We Gotta Give Em Hope

My friends used to say that it took me two hours to explain a one hour movie. I’m guessing I don’t have a future as a movie critic. This is not really a space for movie reviews, but I recently watched one of those movies that stay with you, if you know what I mean. This post is not about critiquing this movie (five stars) or even enticing you to watch it (which you should), but it is about the profound effect it had on me. Out in the Dark was a hard movie for me to watch—I paused it halfway through to get another glass of wine—I was on edge the entire time, but just knowing that there are people who face the issues that were brought to light in this movie, quite simply breaks my heart.

Out in the Dark

In a quick sentence, the movie was about a Palestinian (male) college student who falls in love with a young, Jewish (male) lawyer. That one sentence sets up more problems than most people will face in a lifetime, but these two young men face all of this and more. Like many others, living true to themselves meant putting their lives and their loved ones in danger. It is a cruel world that tells someone they must deny an innate part of themselves in order to live; sadly ironic, to live in this manner is to die a slow death inside. In many ways, this movie touched me personally. Although we are not a Jewish/Palestinian couple, it is not a far-fetched idea that we could have faced similar issues and dangers in the not so distant past. In fact, had we met in my wife’s birth country and not here, we would not even have to look towards the past; being openly gay would very likely not be a feasible survivable option, since gays are still persecuted, oppressed, and even beheaded to this day. (I purposely did not link this reference due to disturbing images, but feel free to search.)

Many things ran through my mind as I watched this film. I found myself profoundly grateful for the life I’ve been given to live. In spite of the fact that a minority of US citizens (yes, it is a minority!) would prefer to keep the basic rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness from us, I appreciate a president who has pushed for a more equal, safer country in this regard. Equality makes us stronger as a nation, whether we choose to believe it or not. This movie also brought a scripture to mind, (yes, you read that correctly) to whom much is given, much is required. I have been given much by this life: I have the freedom to follow my path towards happiness, follow my soul towards being genuinely me, and follow my heart to marry the love that I call home.

Stonewall Inn 1969/Today

But to live in the happiness without acknowledgement of certain aspects of my life is to live irresponsibly. Often, when I walk in the city I walk by the Stonewall Inn on Christopher Street.  Seeing the rainbow flags that fly in the Manhattan breeze never fails to move me. I must acknowledge the ones who paved the way for my beautiful marriage and I thank them. We have a ways to go yet, but the fact that I sleep peacefully in our tiny home means their efforts were not in vain.

I must also acknowledge the fact that with my freedom of happiness comes a responsibility to those who still live without such freedom or basic rights. I cannot say “well, I have mine, now you get yours” and stay true to myself or my principles. This concept reaches far beyond the scope of gay rights. My wife once told me that, as a child, she often wondered if anyone out there was thinking of her, knew of her life, or was trying to help her. This image has left such a mark upon my life. Today, there will be individuals who die simply because they are gay; unfortunately, I will not know their names or their stories, but it is my responsibility to use my voice and my life to expose the ignorance that fuels this type of oppression and discrimination in all forms.

You’ve probably heard the saying, “It gets better.” I truly love this phrase because it gives hope, and as Harvey Milk said, “you...gotta give em hope.” Just saying it gets better does not make it so. We have to make it get better; it doesn’t happen on its own. Just as my marriage would not be possible without the efforts of others, present and future generations are relying on us to be the change we want to see in this world. (Mahatma Gandhi) We want better? We must be better. We want peace? We must be peace. We want hope? We must be hope.

***As is my life, this blog is a work in progress; my desire is to facilitate constructive and respectful conversations about life and our collective journey towards peace. It has become an obsession. Please add "your two cents worth" below, and feel free to share this blog. The more the merrier! Understanding ourselves helps us understand others; therefore bringing us one step closer to attaining peace.***

A Guest Post by Me - Don't Run for the Bus

I'll admit it. New York is an odd and ironic spot on the map to have chosen to learn to slow down and simplify, but perhaps, it is precisely such a place that amplifies the unacknowledged mindset of empty busyness within so that it exposes the true need for deliberate action. Such an epicenter of motion and movement often churns up a hurried-ness, even when you are in no particular hurry!

After a few months of living here, I had fallen into the habit of running for the bus or sub. Now, this is not Louisville, where the next bus may or may not come by (or even stop) in the next ten or fifty minutes, this is Queens, New York, for goodness sake. I do not need to run for a bus! I can count the times on one hand that I have had to wait more than ten minutes for any sort of public transportation. Even if I work late and come home at some god-forsaken 3am, I only end up waiting twenty minutes for a bus. Most everyone here runs to catch the bus, sub, or air train. I asked myself one day, why am I running? I did not have an answer. I do not know why others are doing so, but I discovered I had fallen into this mindset without even thinking about it.

It is just as easy to fall into the societal trap of buying things we don't need. We have determined to simplify our life. We knew that we would be downsizing in order to move here. We went from a large two bedroom apartment with separate dining room and five closets (one of which was a huge walk-in) to a studio apartment with two small closets, and a sort-of-separate-alcove-kitchen-space. Although we'd only lived in our Louisville apartment for less than two years, we were surprised at how muchstuff we'd collected. (Just ask mom and pop how much stuff we had since they so graciously let us keep it at the farm while we made our trek north.) We speak of it often now--we love our simplified life.

Slowing down, simplifying, minimizing, all of these come from an awareness that get more, be busier, strive continually, hurry up doesn't equal quality of life. And more often than not, this mindset seems to be the norm in our society, hindering us from having the time to examine our lives and recognize the faulty cycle into which we've fallen. And if we don't take the time to know who we are or where we going, being busy gets us nowhere; we are simply players in the proverbial rat race.

Below are some steps I have implemented, or are in the process of implementing, in order to reach a simpler, less distracted life. Whether or not you choose to simplify your life, give some thought to who you are, where you are going, and your level of happiness in your current state of mind. 

1. Less is indeed more -- this is the common sense stuff of simplifying. Plainly put, get rid of the stuff you don't need. (v. require because it is essential or very important) Each list will be different, but start with the sh*t you're already tripping over, and then just move on from there!

2. Give yourself space -- Just like the piles of treasures junk sitting in your garage, there are often piles and piles of junk cluttering our minds. Not to go all Buddhist on you, but meditation is the best way to clear up some space in your head and make way for creativity and clarity of thought. 

3. Don't jump off the bridge with your friends -- First, thanks, mom. I've become a much happier person as I've made choices that I've actually wanted to make. This includes giving yourself the freedom to say a kind and well-placed NO. Before you commit to something, even if it should sound like fun, make sure it is something you truly want to spend your time doing.  (Thanks for reminding me, wifey!) Don't do things because you think someone will think something about you if you don't. This is no longer middle school, and you have the right to make decisions that lead you to happiness. Many times we make decisions based upon others' opinions simply because we haven't taken the time to get to know us. As I have allowed myself the freedom to figure myself out, a new world of beauty and contentment has opened up for me. 

4. Stop running for the bus -- literally and figuratively. Thich Nhat Hanh says, "Smile, breathe, and slow down." So, Socrates meets Thich Nhat Hanh: Slow down and know thyself. This, in turn, adds to the collective peace of humanity and I think we can all agree that we need more of that!

5. Re-evaluate relationships -- I've recently given up Facebook. Now, don't get me wrong, I was a bit of a Facebook nerd, but having given it up, I realize that I want a more intentional relationship with people. This, undoubtedly, will mean fewer people in my non-Facebook friends list, but this is healthy for me. It has also made me realize that I want those intentional relationships with people who want an intentional relationship with me. I have uncovered a certain degree of OCD/unrealistic-view-of-loyalty when it comes to keeping in touch with people, and I've seen that it has become a true distraction in my ability to simply be present. 

The desired result is a more peaceful, less cluttered, more intentional life for myself and my wifey. With the slow down comes more time spent doing what we love: being together.

First published on eight million plus two

CoExist

Coexist. This concept has always made a lot of sense to me. I’ve heard sermons concerning the dangers of such ideas, but I struggled to align myself with such viewpoints. Yes, probably because I was already struggling with the actual existence of a one true god, but even as a missionary, yes, you read that correctly, I struggled to find the words I needed to condemn another’s faith. I had a hard time wrapping my head around the concept of the absolute rightness of my religion and the absolute wrongness of yours. This viewpoint, no matter what religious label you wear, brings strife and violence into situations, while most of us simple long for peace.

Recently, at the National Prayer Breakfast, (I will not even touch the shady lines between church and state at this point) President Obama caused quite a stir by speaking on religions in general as instruments of good, but also of deplorable evils. (Notably, a small section of an otherwise very Christian speech.) Those offended by these comments have gone off the deep end to defend Christianity as nothing like those other horrible religions that do harm. Seriously though, we can’t honestly believe this, right? Are we so far removed from history that we’ve forgotten the horrors caused in the name of Christ? This is not to point a judgmental finger towards Christianity, all religions have followers who use their distorted beliefs as justification for atrocities, but it is to point our focus towards the broader picture. Denying Christianity’s evil side, as it were, seems only to lead to the weakening of a Christian’s actual witness. Any and all religions have one major ingredient in common…humans. And like anything else that humans are even remotely involved in, there will be beautiful potential for good and a shocking potential for evil.

Last week, I met a charming old man from Egypt. As I worked, we talked and laughed about nothing in particular; from start to finish we spent, perhaps, only ten minutes together. I’m quite sure we’ll never meet again, but before he left, he reached up and grabbed my hand across the counter. As he looked directly into my eyes, he said, “Thank you for being kind. I don’t get that from many people.” Then he turned and walked away. The intense look in his eyes is still with me. This story is not to say that I did anything noteworthy, for I don’t think I did, but it serves as a dramatic reminder to me: Kindness makes a difference. As the Dalai Lama has said, “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” I will never know this man’s background, his experiences, his religion, his views, but it seems that for a simple moment, I touched his life in a way that I’ll never fully comprehend. At that moment, there was no religion, there was only human interaction. Choices and the intentions of the heart make moments beautiful or harmful—whatever label is designated to the individual by society.

My parents are kind, compassionate, loving Christians, but had we been born in India, there’s a good chance that they would be kind, compassionate, loving Hindus, although I cannot know this for sure. My parents and others that I know, give Christianity a good name. I also know several Muslims, Buddhists, and Atheists who give their respective worldviews good names. Sadly, the opposite can be said as well. Having worked in the dark side/politics of Christianity as a minister, I’ve seen and experienced the ugly potential for harm that lies within the Church walls. It is the individual and personal choices that make the difference.

As the President said in his speech, “…we are summoned to push back against those who try to distort our religion—any religion—for their own nihilistic ends.  And here at home and around the world, we will constantly reaffirm that fundamental freedom—freedom of religion—the right to practice our faith how we choose, to change our faith if we choose, to practice no faith at all if we choose, and to do so free of persecution and fear and discrimination.” I have chosen a different path other than religion, but I do not think it beneficial to force you to walk the same path I have chosen. We must all have the freedom of our own journey, and we must be faithful to that freedom for others. The vast majority of all peoples desires peace; may this desire bind us together as we focus on our commonalities and learn to better coexist. 

I am grateful to be gay

Recently, referring to being gay, I heard someone say, "I wouldn't wish this on anyone," and it sent me pondering this phrase in the context of my life thus far. I've heard this several times, and most often I think it has come from those who have been dealt a difficult hand as it pertains to the process of coming out. I don't pretend to have experienced much hatred or harm due to my coming out; I am grateful for this fact, so this pondering is with the acknowledgement of being spared such heartbreak that many others have suffered at the hands of the ignorant, misinformed, or mean-spirited. 

There were several stages to my self-discovery.  After coming out to myself, there were many, many , MANY bouts of struggle within. I was not a teen with my whole life ahead of me. I was already in my 30s, and I really questioned whether coming out was the best decision for me to make at such a time. I liked my life; did I really want to rock this boat? On the other hand, did I want to silence this very real part of me forever?

I think I've mentioned this before, but part of my hesitation was simply pride, sadly so. All those years of knowing that people around me were wondering this very thing about me, as I tried so desperately to pretend I wasn't this way...it was the giant rainbow colored elephant in the room. Secretly, I know many feared I was gay, people told me this after I came out; hell, I secretly feared I was gay, so we were on the same page of that book!

Months of searching and serious questioning brought me to this one cornerstone conclusion....I wouldn't want anyone in my family or in my life to be afraid of being exactly who they were around me, so I should be honest enough with myself and with them to live in this same manner. I had said it so many times: just be who you are; it was time I lived these words by example. 

Most of you know how my life has changed since making that decision. You also know that some have decided not to include me or my wife in their lives, but most have shown me the love I had always trusted, and they have extended that beautiful love that I have known to my wonderful wife. For this I am also grateful. If you have spent any amount of time with us in the past few years you realize that I have reached a happiness beyond all I knew existed. 

Turning this back to the topic at hand, I ask myself would I wish this--my life, my journey, my gayness--on someone? It has not been without its hurtful moments, but isn't that true of all our lives? Perhaps the more appropriate question I would choose to ask is: do I want such a peace and happiness that I now enjoy for everyone? Without hesitation, yes! Most definitely, yes!

I have no way of seeing how my life would have played out had I not made that choice to come out, but I can't imagine not waking up beside the most mesmerizing person in this world, not spending hours talking to her about anything and everything, or not walking this thing called life with the one soul that gets me more than anyone else. (She knows me, yet has still decided to keep me--how did I get so lucky?) 

Had my life turned out differently, I believe I would have still been happy that I came out. Even before M- entered the stage, the heaviness that was lifted out of my soul during the process of coming out was a most rewarding experience. My life suddenly and completely made sense--a feeling I had not known before that time. This level of personal contentment I wish for everyone--for those I love, for those who are hurting, and even for those who so sadly wish to destroy this beautiful life. I am extremely grateful for the stages of my journey that have made me who I am today. I am happy to be ever-so-happily me; I am grateful to be gay. 

I wish peace for you today. I wish a lightness of heart for those of you carrying around a burden, known or unknown. We are all in this together and if there is ever anything I can do for you, I am here. Let's make this world better for those who come after.

Long before Elsa there was….Pop.

Two years ago, as we sat at the farm, M- was expressing her dissatisfaction with a 92% in a particular class. Pop has had quite a bit of experience dealing with perfectionism; he’s experienced Mom’s disappointment with college grades that would make many other college students weep with sheer joy. (And I might add: Mom finished her degree with a 4.0 even while working full-time and somehow keeping the Wimberley clan functioning. Go Mom!) This conversation was no different; his calm answer was such a typical Pop thing to say. He simply stated, with a gleam in his eye, “M-, it’s time to just let it go.” Because of his rather dramatic delivery of the message, and the swooshing of his hand as he emphasized those last three words, the room exploded into laughter. Once again, as many times before, Pop had spoken his simple wisdom into our lives—in the loving, comical manner that I will always cherish.

Let. It. Go. is now a regular mantra in our tiny space, as it was in my childhood home. There’s a great deal of wisdom packed into that little phrase! We often say it with laughter as we remember Pop’s dramatic performance on that particular day, but the mindset has served me well, as I’ve journeyed these last ten years towards the present. There are times in life, when our vision becomes clearer, and we see the things that are holding us back. These times are, all at once, the scariest and most freeing moments that we face. As I let go of religion, I was completely unsure of the outcome; I just knew I must follow my instincts concerning the truth for which I was searching. As I journeyed, ever so cautiously, out of the closet, I had to let go of people’s opinions and years of bad teaching, and learn to love me for me. Both were notably, the scariest events I’ve experienced thus far, but both were equally rewarding and joyous, as I began to rest in the peace and contentment that followed as I let go.

Our journeys are all unique, but we all face similar obstacles. We all face issues that hold us back; and just as I faced with religion and sexuality, life presents us with choices as we evolve and grow. We leave things as they are or we let go. We all know the definition of insanity that has been attributed to Einstein: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. My choice was difficult and it didn’t happen overnight, but I came to see that I wanted more out of this life than what my present situation could offer. I was quite intimidated by the uncertainty ahead, but I knew that leaving things as they were was no longer an option if I wanted more out of life.

My encouragement for all of us this brand new year of 2015 would be to let go of those things in our life that are holding us back, down, stuck. What is keeping us from living a freer, more peaceful, productive, and happy life? Jobs that are unsatisfying, toxic relationships, tiring habits, people’s opinions? Our own lists usually pop into our heads uninvited when we have conversations such as these. Remember: you are not alone; we really are all in this thing together. As Pop, and Elsa, would say: let this year be the year you just let it go. 

The Day I Saw the KKK

When I was young, I remember sitting in the backseat of our car looking out the window as we drove home from church. As pop drove up to the stoplight by the court square, I recall seeing the men dressed in white cloaks and pointy white hats. There were several other members standing on the corners, and one came towards our green station wagon. I think they must have been collecting money or something; as far as I recall, pop didn’t roll down the window, but kept looking straight ahead. I was scared; me, a little white girl in rural Tennessee, was scared.

(I remember being quite small when this event occurred, but my mom said I would have been in the seventh grade. She also said I could be remembering a time when I was small as well; sadly, it happened more than once.)

I was born and raised in the south. I’ve not always been comfortable telling people this fact. I grew up in a small town in West Tennessee, and I saw blatant discriminations on display regularly. I grew up hearing about "The War of Northern Aggression," (known as The Civil War to most) and I am very familiar with the bumper sticker that states "The South Will Rise Again." I am more grateful than ever before to have been born to parents who loved all--no matter what color, ethnicity, or background--but the same was not always true for the culture in which I was raised. One smaller town close by even boasted that the last colored person who had dared to set foot in that town was taught a lesson.

Blacks and whites, for the most part, lived separately. Many of the black residents of our town lived in black bottom, (yes, it was really called that) and whites didn’t go there often. The races married within their kind (again, that’s how it was stated) for the children’s sake, supposedly; white women who married black men were looked down upon. I remember visiting a black church on their side of town on a few occasions; our white church had joined with a black church in an attempt to overcome the religious/racial segregation that still stood firm. 

Quite by ironic accident, I watched 12 Years a Slave and Freedom Riders (A Documentary on the Civil Rights Era) on the day of the Ferguson grand jury decision. I watched as protests erupted, even here in New York, and opinions spread like wildfire. It is somewhat disturbing that I hear some of the exact phrases used in modern events as in the historical films I watched. Do we really not learn? Whether or not you believe there was a gross injustice served in Ferguson, Missouri in this decision, we cannot keep pretending we don’t have problems in this area of race. I grew up in the midst of racism; I know what it looks like.

Chris Rock said it quite well in a recent interview: “we treat racism in this country like it’s a style that America went through. Like flared legs and lava lamps. Oh, that crazy thing we did. We were hanging black people. We treat it like a fad instead of a disease that eradicates millions of people. You’ve got to get it at a lab, and study it, and see its origins, and see what it’s immune to and what breaks it down.”

I’ve been more than a bit troubled as this recent news in our country unfolds. I sincerely struggle to wrap my mind around all that is going on, and I find myself wrestling with how to respond. I even find that I am having trouble writing this blog, because I’m frustrated by our lack of collective compassion, I’m feeling helpless and a bit hopeless that we’ll see our way through this, and if I’m going to be honest, I’m angry—angry that some vocal whites still have a superiority complex in this country and many have been acting like asses. I even find it hard to chant my mantra of “we’re better than this,” because our history does not necessarily back me up on this stance. So I find myself modifying this mantra lately: I still believe we can be better than this.

It is a time for self-reflection and voices joined together for peace. I believe the voices that desire peace are more numerous than those divisive voices, from all viewpoints that spread violence and spew hate, but perhaps, it is time to raise our voices of peace and togetherness to a new volume. 

Poem of Peace

For quite some time now, I've been reading and pondering the notion of peace and peace movements in the midst of war times. Pockets of turmoil can be found in virtually every country; the vast majority of us, from all backgrounds and cultures, desire peace, yet, at times, it seems so far beyond our grasp. Why do we so quickly resort to violence and war? Why does war sell so much easier than peace? It seems absurd to think that more violence will stop the existing violence. (although I haven't always seen the world in this light)

Yesterday morning, I awoke with peace on the brain once again. I quickly penned this before leaving for work. I'll share it with you, as it is my hope for today, for our country, and for the all the peoples with which we share this globe. We are in this together, lest we forget.

The elusive dream written upon each soul

As the first breath is drawn—

Void of fear, hunger, lack

Knowing love at morning’s dawn—

Contentment rests on every mother’s face

Her child sleeps nourished—

A father’s embrace of his daughter

She walks to school cherished—

A village celebration

Welcoming spring rain—

Two men in love

Down the avenue without shame—

No shadows of despair

No neglected, forgotten—

No slave, no master

No broken, downtrodden—

Peace.

In the hearts of all

As this colossal seed—

Torn from our midst

By power, hate, and greed.

Peace to you today.

Allow me to introduce my wife

Many of my friends and family have not had the honor of spending vast amounts of time with my wife. A small few have chosen this because of their awkward judgment of our lifestyle (yes, that is sarcasm you hear), but most are simply at the mercy of the miles between us. Some of you read her blogs and experience her heart through her writings, but for those of you have not had the privilege, 

allow me to introduce her to you now.

Today, my wife has been asked to participate in a commemoration event honoring Holocaust survivors who endured Kristallnacht. For those unfamiliar with the term, Kristallnacht, also called the Night of Broken Glass, it was a series of attacks upon the Jews of Germany and Austria in November 1938. To be a part of such commemoration is an honor that many would cherish, but to M- it holds a much deeper meaning. I’ll use her words here, with her permission, of course.

Some forty years after the events of Kristallnacht, I was born under the bombs of a vicious war and then raised in a society that believed all Jews must be killed; I was told that there once were Jews in my home country, (Iraq) but I was never told the whole story, actually, I learned no stories. It wasn’t until I was exposed to the Western world that I learned about my own history—a history that saddens me. I learned that in my home country, Jews were estranged, attacked, and forced out of their homes into exile.

While walking between home and school last semester, I realized that I was smiling when I would meet a Jew on the street. A few days later, I realized that I was not necessarily smiling because I had seen a Jew, but because I was able to see a Jew and feel no anger, no hatred. On this same usual walk, I would see Jewish fathers and grandfather kissing and carrying their children after school, and I missed my father. Then I would think: How many more families have to suffer from hate? How many more children will lose their parents as a result of hate? How long will it take for us to awaken?

We come from different worlds. Baghdad, Iraq….Paris, Tennessee. Let me put this in perspective. Do you remember the night of “shock and awe” after the events of 9/11? Do you remember where you were as you watched the bombs exploding upon Baghdad? I certainly do. I watched with an overabundance of mixed emotions. I had no way of knowing that the wife that now makes my very soul dance was sitting beneath those same explosions that filled my television screen fearing for her life and the life of her family. The realization of this has served as a constant reminder to me: no matter what the feeling on one side of a choice, action, or experience, there is always someone on the other side of that choice with their own experience, fears, hopes, and feelings.

To know M- is to have experienced something refreshing. To put it simply, her heart is for humanity.  Months before we were together, she was already challenging my mindset and encouraging a self-examination that I had previously not known. In short, she makes me a better person, not in a cliché sort of way, but in such a way that makes me honestly investigate my place in this world. Yes, I am biased, happily so, but I also see her spread her contagious zest for life through others who are lucky enough to know her.

She is passionate, kind, intense, comical, fascinating, and incredibly humble; she’ll, no doubt, tell me that I give her too much credit when she reads this*. She will end her presentation with these words: 

I could have have foreseen this journey that I walk today, but as we stand here together in commemoration of those who have suffered, and of those we have lost as a result of hate, know that I am committed to this journey of peace. Your well of life, your determination, your resilience, and your pride of heritage beckon us towards hope and strengthen us to see the way of peace.

I am grateful and incredibly lucky to walk this journey called life with such a soul. May we all be strengthened to see the way of peace. 

*and that is exactly what she did.

Historical Ponderings

While reading through one of the wifey's history textbooks, yes, I am a nerd, I found a most interesting document by the Iroquois' Chief Red Jacket. (Seriously, I love the name.)

"Brother; You say there is but one way to worship and serve the Great Spirit. If there is but one religion; why do you white people differ so much about it? Why not all agreed, as you can all read the book?...We are told that your religion was given to your forefathers, and has been handed down from father to son. We also have a religion, which was given to our forefathers, and has been handed down to us their children. We worship in that way. It teaches us to be thankful for all the favors we receive; to love each other, and to be united. We never quarrel about religion....Brother; we do not wish to destroy your religion or take it from you. We only want to enjoy our own."

We are all familiar with the wrongs done against the American natives often in the name of religion,  one of the many stains in our history, unfortunately. The atrocities done in the namesake of religion are still alive and well today, sadly so. I am appalled at recent beheadings and slaughters, but even a quick read of history finds events such as these ongoing and somewhat constant throughout. While reading through another history book, Bartolome De Las Casas' A Short Account of the Destruction of the Indies, I found my, otherwise strong, stomach actually turning at the horrific suffering done, at the hands of Christians, to the peoples of Latin America.

"It is my considered opinion that the greatest obstacle that stands in the way of the pacification of the New World, and with it the conversion of the people to Christ, is the harshness and cruelty of the treatment metered out by 'Christians' to those who surrender. This has been so harsh and so brutal that nothing is more odious nor more terrifying to the people than the name 'Christian', a word for which they us in their language the term yares, which means 'demon'. 

The questions I find myself pondering are these: why does so much violence, hatred, harm, and sheer evil persist in the domain of that which is taught as/and meant to be peaceful, loving, kind?  Does the basis of absolute truth breed such vileness? Is it just the nature of some--personal choices to do evil--masked by a religious front; would these do harm no matter what label they wore?

Abraham Lincoln, in his second inaugural address, speaking of the North and South said, "Both read the same Bible, and pray to the same God; and each invokes His aid against the other..." Being a lover of history, I ponder events such as our Civil War, and even evils such as slavery, and I find more questions than answers. On both sides, as is often the case, one can find religious backings of the justness of their cause. Why do religions seem to play such a drastic role in the making of historical wickedness? Is this a reasonable question or is it a stretch to imply this?

I will never suggest that all people who confess a devotion to a certain belief system are evil, harmful, or vile. This is simply not true or rational. I am grateful to know many peace-loving Muslims, Christians, Jews, Atheists, and the like, who are passionately devoted to a more peaceful world. Even amongst today's evils, I know that peace is possible. I believe it is the result of an inward journey, past religious beliefs and personal differences; as we experience a deeper connection with each other, peace will flourish.

A Peace of our Own

Over the last few weeks, equality has taken off into a sprint. Amongst the gays being blamed for Ebola, paper cuts, the common cold, and the decline of straight marriage, (I made up the middle two) many people, who may have previously held other opinions, have started to see the value of equality along with the illogical-ness of inequality. They’ve evolved, to use a common phrase. This is beautiful to me. In this sense, evolving means that you have invested time in thinking through aspects of a certain topic and have come to a conclusion different from the one previously held because of new information or insight. This is the exact mindset that I believe will lead us to a more peaceful society. And although the voices of the naysayers are often blaring, their numbers are minuscule and shrinking.

I have evolved, gratefully so. Many of my family members and friends have evolved as well. This makes me happy. We all grew up being fed the same [mis]information, but most of us have succeeded in thinking through things life with logical, compassion, and honesty. These are three key ingredients, I believe. The nature of my journey was one that led me out of religion before I was ever able to acknowledge that I was gay, (these two journeys were related, but not dependent upon one another) but many others have clung to their faith while coming out; at times, it has been their greatest comfort, but yet, sadly, their condemner. I hold a sincere compassion for these who have stayed within their faiths, their resilience is commendable. Thankfully, many, many people of faiths are evolving. A great deal of this evolution has been spurred on from the realization that someone they love is, in fact, gay. This has been the big bang in many evolutions including mine.

It is much easier to condemn what you do not first love. It must be easy to say, I will raise my child “right” and they will not “become” gay, but it is a completely different journey to shed tears over that child you love, as you watch them being torn apart inside by self-condemnation, as they try to rid themselves of this supposed evil to no avail. It saddens me to see family members choose their man-interpreted beliefs over that precious son, daughter, brother, or sister, but it happens. What a shame.

Today, specifically within the Christian faith, there are voices rising up to guide the way towards logic, compassion, and honesty concerning the issue of homosexuality. (Although I am speaking specifically on this issue, this process of evolution can be used for most of today’s dividing topics.) I will link to them below because I see this as extremely important. It is time to put this issue to rest. Having lived most of my life as a devoted follower of Christ, ministers’ kid and, later, minister, I am all too familiar with the teachings that are there, but I am also familiar with the harm many of these teachings are still doing. Far too many Christians, straight or gay, out or closeted, live their lives in the grips of self-condemnation. As I mentioned earlier it is time to evolve towards peace. Peace is achieved not through religion, but through allowing each other the freedom to search out this peace through their own journey. The my-religion-is-the-absolute-truth mentality can be seen in the backdrop of many of today’s un-peaceful situations throughout our world.

The day I looked inward and realized the restlessness within my own soul, was a day that filled me with compassion for others. Seeing my judgmental heart towards others’ journey (disguised with religious jargon) broke part of the hold that religion had held upon me. This journey inward frightened me at first, but yet led me to a depth of happiness I had not known. I want peace for myself and for you as an individual. I want peace for our nations and peoples in turmoil and for this earth itself. It is time we stop dictating others’ journey towards peace and start living our own path of peace. Only then, do I believe we will find the collective peace we all seek. 

Give these some thought:

John Shore

Kathy Baldock--Canyon Walker Connection

Matthew Vines--The Gay Debate

Peace to you. 

Ten Years of Change

A life chapter ended on Thursday.  Since 2004, I’ve worked for the Bux, minus a brief break while working with my sister. Now I'll be moving on.

I stopped to think of my life ten years ago. Wow. I had just left the ministry and my head was still reeling from all that had gone on and gone wrong. As Buddhists say, the ground had been pulled out from under me. Bewildered would be an appropriate word. I felt like a failure. I’d just been let go from what I had thought was my life’s calling. I had no idea where to go from here; I had no idea who I was.  Everything I thought was real and lasting was suddenly called into question. Many whom I loved dearly and trusted with my life had chosen popularity over me. I took that personally; sometimes it hurt to breathe.

Ten years can hold a great deal of change. As time has healed wounds, I can be nothing but grateful for this unexpected and drastic turn of events.

Grateful for landing flat on my back, although I didn’t feel that way at the time; the jar shook me to the very core and opened my eyes. Instead of seeing stars, I saw my disillusionment. I saw that I was trying so desperately to make myself believe what I wanted so hard to believe in. I didn’t know where I was going from here, but I would investigate life and question easy answers from here on out. I made that promise to myself. What beautiful things I’ve discovered about myself and the world around me since then.

Grateful to a kindhearted Bux manager who told me to come work for her. A genuine soul, if ever there has been one; I am still proud to call her friend today. From her example, I learned a lot about being myself, take it or leave it. I also learned an awful lot about confidence. She believed in me, and I had found something I was actually really good at and enjoyed doing. I felt good about this and for the first time, in perhaps forever, I felt I was in an honest place. I still didn’t know where I was headed, but it felt right and good.

I recall a time when a church member from my previous position saw me sweeping the floor one night as we prepared to close. She came up to me and said, “I hate to see you like this. You have so much more to offer.” Besides feeling a bit humiliated, I was angry. Angry because she saw me as a failure. I wanted to scream at her, “I like who I am becoming!” but I think I just said something generic and went on. I did not have the courage for that sort of confrontation yet. I had to learn that success is not defined by what I do or what people think of me. Success is a lifestyle choice of peace and goodness and happiness and laughter. I define my success not you….

Grateful for this life I now lead. I am quite often overwhelmed by the love that fills our tiny space. You may be tired of hearing this by now, but I simply could not have imagined such a beautiful life as the one I now live. As I turn this page, I must remember that this was all made possible by the hard, painful floor of betrayal and confusion I found myself laying upon those ten years ago. 

Peace to you.

Standing FOR Each Other -- International Day of Peace

I've been a bit frustrated lately. Somewhere between…[I had originally typed out several recent events and nationally known people who thrive on exposure even when it’s horrible, but I just couldn't stand to give them one ounce of publicity through this blog, so I scratched it, but the end of the sentence read:] …I lost faith in humanity for a second. You know what I mean, don’t you?

I will strive to focus on the positive, even though my heart grows heavy at times from the overabundance of hate and fear I see in our communities. Anti-Islam ads on buses, anti-Semitic politicians, anti-lgbtq, anti-this, anti-that, anti-whatever-it-is-that-I-have-not-taken-the-time-to-understand, anti-blah, blah, blah. Aren't we tired of anti yet? I am often reminded of Dr. King Jr.’s quote: “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” I am just as appalled as anyone at the violence and blatant injustices in many parts of the world (including our own), but countering darkness with our own special brand of darkness does not seem to be working out well. There must be another way. It seems to me, and I say this through my personal experience, it is much easier to be anti-whatever than it is to take the time to understand this world and be the embodiment of love, peace, and light. With that being said, there has been no greater personal peace, than in the purposeful choosing of the latter.

I have not always been so obsessed with peace. For the longest of times, I don't remember even giving it much thought, which is odd since I was a minister and a Christian. I believed [tried hard to convince myself] that the only path of peace was a relationship with Jesus and a life of worship to God. This was the only way for anyone to be truly happy, which is where many of the problems within religions begin. This was the only truth…or so I was taught. As I made my way out of this belief system, and since this belief system was so ingrained in my being, I fully expected to feel less peaceful, less happy, less fulfilled, but the opposite was wonderfully true. It was quite a surprise and shock to me; as time went on, and I ventured into the world that had once seemed so frightening, I stumbled upon a profound peace and a heart of compassion that literally changed my life in every way. I think, perhaps, I just uncovered the peace and compassion that had been lying dormant in my soul for all those years; I was slowly awakening.

Today, September 21, is the International Day of Peace, established to strengthen the idea of peace everywhere and to purposefully promote peace throughout the world’s communities. (Today is also the Baghdad City of Peace Carnival that I spoke of in an earlier post—my heart is cheering them!) Hold peace in your heart. Peace is possible, I firmly believe this to be true, but it takes all of us choosing peace as a daily lifestyle. Let's BE FOR each other and FOR each other's peaceful journey instead of all this negative focus. Perhaps it is indeed the hardest choice, but isn't it worth a try? 

*I don't tear-up easily, but something about this photo moved me to great depths. 

Cities of Peace

I’ve been following a Facebook page called Baghdad City of Peace Carnival. I have also been following the disturbing events of terror over the last few months brought on by extreme extremists. (When Al Qaeda declares you are even too extreme, you must be extremists in the truest sense of the word.) I’ve always been a bit of a news junkie, but lately I find myself keeping a closer eye on these issues. Perhaps it is because I now have family there or because I’m married to a brownie whom I adore, which makes it more personal, but perhaps I’m also finally awakening to the realization that we are truly all in this thing together.

This organization puts together a carnival to celebrate the UN’s World Peace Day (September 21, 2014) Think about that for a moment. In a city that is wreaked with havoc, there is a group of people that put together a day to focus on peace. I have to wonder if the organizers are putting themselves into harm’s way, by boldly organizing this day of peace. You know what that tells me? The world’s people want peace.

We war, and then we war, and then we war some more. Is it doing any good? Although I haven’t always felt this way, I have my doubts. My heart has grown tired of the violence, and I have found myself questioning the violence to combat violence mentality. I see Palestinians who want peace, I see Israelis who want peace; I see Ukrainians, Russians, Americans, Iraqis, French, Turks, even those aggressive Canadians who want peace. (Since I am called Canadian at least once a week, I admittedly took some sarcastic liberties with that joke.)

Who wants the wars? Who schedules the wars? What are the motives behind the wars? What are the real motives behind the wars? Who ends up dying in these bloody wars?

There is a video of Baghdad City of Peace that I’ll post here. The first minute is in Arabic, which is a beautiful language, so just listen. After the speaking, it moves into a song. The faces. Pay attention to the faces. Within this organization, these small faces have role models who are not advocating war and violence, but peace. We owe it to these and all the small faces to be peace.

It is so easy to dwindle the issues of this world down to black and white, right and wrong, us and them, and pick sides as if we’re playing some sort of sport. But this isn’t a sport. Ferguson, Missouri isn’t a game, and Baghdad, Iraq sure as hell isn’t a game. It is people’s lives, their children, their brothers, sisters, mothers we’re talking about and just because we are somewhat removed from the situations doesn't mean we can sit back and do nothing.  As John Stewart says, “You’re tired of hearing about it? Imagine how f*cking exhausting it is living it.”

...and just because I love the international phenomenon of this song: Happy--Baghdad style.

Our Agenda

I heard someone mention "the gay agenda" this week. (I was waiting for the Adam and Steve joke to follow) After I realized that I had not been sucked up into a time machine and whisked back to the 70s, I was amused, but a bit saddened. I found myself wondering if the person who spoke these words actually believed them to be true, or if they were just regurgitating talking points as I had done for so many years. I found myself asking, aren't we past this yet?

Growing up, I heard about the gay agenda, although I admittedly never saw it in action. (I've also never seen a unicorn.) It carried a similar level of fear as the the bubonic plague. Not knowing any better and trying so hard to be straight, I was perplexed by this secret agenda. What were they trying to do? Why were they trying to do it? I find a small amount of amusement in this now. I look at our [beautiful] life, and see how utterly agenda-less and boring it might seem to a random outsider, and I just have to laugh.

When will we learn that equality equals a better society for all of us, not just gays and other minorities? I'll put your mind to rest; there is no gay agenda besides being allowed to live and and love in peace. The only agenda in my life is centered upon loving my wife, being happy and fulfilled, doing a bit of traveling, remembering to buy eggs on my way home from work, and living as a productive member of society as we work towards peace. Our Monday agenda is to get through the week. Our Friday night agenda, providing we can stay awake after our long week, usually includes a glass of wine and a movie or perhaps a game of scrabble; more often than not, we end up crashed out on the couch like the old married couple we seem to be. (I shocked a customer last week by telling them we don't own a television--we just prefer our simple life.)

Our future plans don’t consist of world domination, but of a house with a small balcony, fresh grown herbs, and summers in southern France. This sounds frighteningly similar to many other married couples, no matter what the sexual make-up. Imagine that. And meanwhile, we are totally happy in the center of our somewhat boring, agenda-less life. That is not to say we don’t attend rallies, volunteer at local LGBTQ organizations, and post pointed messages on social media concerning issues that are important to us, but there is no gay agenda to someday rule the world, turn everyone gay, and drag everyone to hell in our own personal hand-basket. (besides, I’m horrible at basket weaving) This is just silly thinking, and we’d all be better off if we could get past these ideas and work together towards peace. 

How is this for an agenda? I want to be able to say I left this place better than I found it. I want fewer people in poverty, I want more children enabled with a solid education and food in their bellies as they drift off to sleep; I want less human trafficking and an end to child pornography, and I want someone whose life doesn’t fit the status quo to be able to live his/her life in a way that brings them peace, happiness and fulfillment. If this sounds like an agenda you can agree with, feel free to jump on my band wagon, there’s always room for more.

Being Me - My Hurdles to Coming Out

There is a certain risk that comes with being ones' self. For me, I weighed my options of coming out for almost a year. I had told one trustworthy friend, three thousand miles away, and I didn't know how to take that next step. I didn't know if I had it in me. I wasn't young; I had settled myself, and happily so, with a single, independent life; my present bliss wasn't even a remote possibility in my mind. Quite honestly, I didn't know if it would be worth the hassle. My family and friends were comfortable with this me, and I wasn't sure that I wanted to rock the boat we were all travelling in.

After hours of reflection, and reading, and thinking, and wondering, and imagining, I knew that I had to come out. Those hours of contemplation covered many topics. Honestly, I had to deal with my pride, and I have to admit that pride was a formidable obstacle in coming out. The ever plaguing question of what will people say? There were some who would see my coming out as a failure. I had to struggle through the acknowledgement that, though these people were no longer in my life for very good reasons, I didn't want to be considered a failure. I broke through this obstacle by honestly evaluating the reasons they were no longer in my life, and I had to come to the conclusion that my peace meant more to me than what they might say about me ever.

Also, even though I’d become okay with who I was, I had to wade through the condemning thoughts still lingering from faulty teachings and misguided information. Just coming to terms with being gay, doesn't silence years of rubbish. I had to break through the obstacle that told me something was wrong with me. You see, I’d already come to the conclusion in my heart that this was who I was, but my head kept replaying all of the illogical arguments that condemned the gay, and I’d heard them for years. 

The third hurdle I had to jump was the fact that it was okay to choose to be happy. I reached a new understanding one day: if the only way I can keep people in my life is by hiding who I really am, then I don’t really want those type of people in my life! I thought of my family; I would never want any of them to hide who they were from me because they thought I would not love them. If my love is that fickle then is it really love?

The choice was clear; I had to come out. I had to come out for me and I had to come out for others who are struggling and scared inside a very lonely closet. I did not know who would stay and who would go in my life, but I had to take the chance. Did it hurt like hell when some decided to walk out of my life? More than you'll ever know, but I've not once regretted the decision. I broke free the day I came out. There is no other way to describe it. Now, when I awake beside this Love I now call home, I realize what I would have missed out on, if I’d made the decision to keep quiet. When I think of the beautiful life that almost wasn't, it motivates to speak out.

Us and us

In preparing for my transfer (to a closer-to-home store) I wanted to make sure that a few of my customers found out from me, personally. I had wondered how many of these pleasant souls were aware of the fact that their presence throughout my day makes all the difference in the world sometimes. All of them are regulars, if not every day, at least four times per week. They stand in front of my bar, with a smile and pleasant tone of voice, as they wait, (and often wait and wait and wait) for me to make their drink. We talk about everything from sick kids to soccer to global warming to international affairs, and they are truly the bright spots in my always busy, often hectic, sometimes downright chaotic, days at work.

I am acutely aware of how these regulars brighten my day, but I guess I often forget that I do the same for them. One customer, who always has a particularly encouraging manner, and who also shares my love of soccer, told me that he had been “bummed out” when I told him I was transferring the day before. Unbeknownst to me, he had had several particularly difficult days over the past few months and he told me that his brief encounters/chats with me as I made his drink had helped him through those days.

What a beautiful reminder. The people I encounter and who encounter me, will most often walk away feeling something no matter how small the encounter. Perhaps it can be neutral, but more often than not, the tone of our days are either brightened or smudged, and in turn, our actions and words either brighten or smudge someone else’s day life.

It has made me think on the ethic of reciprocity. Think of how many belief systems are in this world. (A web search on this topic will completely overwhelm your brain) Most, if not all, have some sort of do unto others clause. Some of my favorite versions:

• All things are our relatives; what we do to everything, we do to ourselves. All is really One." Black Elk (Native American Spirituality)
• The law imprinted on the hearts of all men is to love the members of society as themselves. (Roman Pagan Religion)
• An it harm no one, do what thou wilt. (The Wiccan Rede)
• Whatever is disagreeable to yourself do not do unto others.  Shayast-na-Shayast 13:29 (Zoroastrianism)
• Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful. Udana-Varga 5:18 (Buddhism)
• Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets. Matthew 7:12 (Christianity)
• Tse-kung asked, 'Is there one word that can serve as a principle of conduct for life?' Confucius replied, 'It is the word 'shu' -- reciprocity. Do not impose on others what you yourself do not desire.' Doctrine of the Mean 13.3 (Confucianism)
• This is the sum of duty: do not do to others what would cause pain if done to you. Mahabharata 5:1517 (Hinduism)

We could talk all day about our human failures in this arena, or our personal exception clauses that we tack on for our own convenience, (gay, foreigner, non-believer, etc) but this concept is the essence of a peace-filled world. This is not a religious thing, it is a human thing. Whether we like it or not, we are in this thing together. My mom used to tell us something similar when we would argue as kids. “Whether you like it or not, we’re a family, and we will get along in this house.” It's the same thing on a larger scale. (Except there's no tough mom to make us sit on the couch until we agree to hug each other) If we hurt one another, we are hurting the whole, which in turn is hurting us for we are a part of that whole. We need to get this. We must get this if we are going to survive on this planet together. Recent events in Ferguson, Gaza, Iraq, and everyday Main Street should serve as a mirror for us. We need to look long and hard at who we are becoming. There is no us and them; this is a deceptive illusion. There is only us and...us. 

*This list and many other wonderful topics of discussion can be found at ReligiousTolerance.org.

My Stepping Stone of Buddhism

In talking with a co-worker today, I recalled what a beautiful role Buddhism has played in my journey towards peace. I've come to cherish many of the concepts I've learned within this way of life. It was a refreshing view of the world around me, a way of looking at myself without the tainted lens of guilt and condemnation, and the permission to live in the present moment and just be.

As I first began to acknowledge (to myself) my doubts in God, I found great insight and wisdom in the teachings of Buddhism. I didn't know much about Buddhism, but an incident in my second semester of university led me to begin my investigation. In a World Religions course, my professor mentioned the dates of Buddha's, Siddhārtha Gautama, life (c. 563 - 483 BCE) and a light went off in my brain.

Now, this may seem a no-brainer, but we'd always been taught that all other forms of religion were counterfeit of the one Truth--which we just happened to hold. Counterfeits, by all normal accounts, should come after the original, wouldn't you say? As I pondered those dates, I realized, again, that I needed to investigate another aspect of my belief system and what I'd been taught about other belief systems. And that's exactly what I did. This was the last class of my week and I spent that weekend learning and unlearning many, many things.

As I continue to investigate, I finally stumbled upon the teachings of Pema Chodron. Seeing that my head was still reeling from being out on my ass from the ministry, Pema Chodron's book, When Things Fall Apart, was written for me from start to finish. Within those pages, parts of me began to....awaken, to borrow a Buddhist term. 

"The most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.” 

As these days of searching continued, I would slowly find myself mustering up the courage to do just that--take a good, hard, terrifying, honest, and gentle look at myself and my beliefs and allow myself to discover who I really was and who I wanted to be. These were such beautiful days; my soul had finally found a path towards peace. These were the words I needed to hear in the moment.

If you should ever want a recommendation, Chodron's book ranks high on my list as does Hahn's Good Citizen. Whatever your spiritual state or belief system, I think you'd find great benefit in both of these. I'll leave you with one last piece of goodness:

“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy." 

Just breath and let yourself be. Namaste!