Conversation with a Stranger

I am fully and completely my father's daughter when it comes to my love of conversing with strangers. Besides the wonderful experience of meeting fellow members of humanity, these moments allow me the opportunity to learn from others' life stories and broaden my viewpoint of this world in which we live. Last night's interaction with a seventy-something year old Armenian professor was no different.

Our conversation struck up based upon his travels.  After several minutes of conversation, I had discovered that this delightful man was headed to Armenia for the centennial commemoration of the Armenian genocide. Thinking to enlighten me on the topic, he acted quite surprised that I already knew of this event. He began to inquire as to how I knew, and looked at me curiously when I told him that my wife was doing research on this topic currently. Honestly, his silence made me wonder for a moment whether I should have mentioned my wife. The conversation went as follows:

-You have a wife?

-Yes, sir, I do.

-You are a girl?

-Yes, sir, I am. We moved to New York and got married. Is that okay?

-Are you kidding me? I just attended the marriage of my wife's niece! Two white dresses, two people in love, it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen!

He moved back to the more important topic of the genocide and how I came to know about it. I told him my wife was currently studying History and Human Rights and is set on making this world a place where fewer genocides and atrocities happen. I told him of her love for humanity and how she inspires me to live each day in such a way that adds to the collective peace we so desperately need. A beautiful smile appeared upon his face:

-This is good. When you get home please tell her "don't give up." Give her a big hug and a kiss from me.

Hey Jude.

For the last few days, I've awakened with this song in my head. Yesterday I sat down to play it on the guitar; I figured I might as well go with if it is floating around in my head for so long. Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you that I am horrible at remembering lyrics, but the one line of this song that has always stuck with me is take a sad song and make it better. In our daily lives, our paths cross with many people who have sad songs within. These sad songs have many different tunes, and they are sung in many different ways: bitterness, unkindness, rudeness, pure sadness, emptiness, to name a few. It is easy to become frustrated by these tunes when they slap us in the face (figuratively, hopefully), and I find myself forgetting to look beyond the obvious and empathize with the sad tune within that sparks these outward displays of harshness.

Take a sad song and make it better. We cannot fix people; the quickest way to make matters worse is to try and fix people. It frustrates us and it usually infuriates them. (Think do unto others...) We can, however, shine light into their lives by they way we act with and react to them. How can we make it better today? We are all in this thing together, and to quote my wise mother, "all God's children got issues." No one has it all together, but the way we respond to and interact with one another either makes the situation worse or better.

It is an easy path to take to say, you want to be rude with me? No problem, I'll be rude right back. It's the easy way out, and if you're happy with the song that is playing in our world at the present moment, then be my guest. But I envision a different song, a happier tune, than the one to which we are currently marching. Let's makes someone's sad song better today. It may not be easy. It starts with us, and while we're doing this, we can also see what song is playing within our own souls and make it better as well. Compassion towards ourselves and others makes for happier songs all around.

Religious Freedoms

I am, in general, a relatively hopeful person. I try to find a bright side in events and circumstances, although this is not always possible. Even though we are living in a messy world, I do tend to focus on the positive signs of progress that I see happening. I also do try to stay away from blatant political frustrations, of which I have many, on this blog. Domestically, we’ve come a long way towards equality and respect for one another, which I consider essential for a better world for all. (Although we have a long way to go in many of these areas) And I do mean equality and respect in the broadest sense. When I caught wind of the “religious freedom” bill that recently passed in Indiana, I confess to being more than a bit disheartened.

The bill, which basically allows people to discriminate choose not to serve individuals based on their own religious beliefs, is said to be a protection put in place for the religious freedoms of individuals. Baloney. The Governor of Indiana said, “The Constitution of the United States and the Indiana Constitution both provide strong recognition of the freedom of religion but today, many people of faith feel their religious liberty is under attack by government action.” I’m not sure what country people who feel their religious liberty is under attack by the government are living in, but I’m pretty sure it’s not the same country in which I am currently residing. Even as I write this blog in a hotel room in Miami, there is a segment playing on one of the morning news shows about Faith in America and the power of prayer; focusing on the importance of faith and prayer to Americans. This same country has prayer rallies on a consistent basis all across the map, and these rallies are attended frequently by politicians and men of power alike. The US has more churches than Carter has pills, and to my knowledge, you don’t have to enter and exit under the cover of darkness. You can go to church every day in broad daylight, pray out loud on the corner, sing hymns on the bus, and read your bible on the subway, without fear of retribution by the government. As a matter of fact, it is somewhat of an oddity in this country to say you have “no religion,” or express a faith that isn't Christian;  I know, I’ve seen the blank looks that come along with these types of conversations.

I am leery of such measures because I think they are a cover up for something else—something more sinister than freedom and liberty that leads us down a path on which we do not want to be as a country. I could be—and actually hope to be—wrong, but based upon our record as far as such things go, I do not see this bill being upheld in circumstances that do not portray the religious belief that is considered the “right belief” in the US. To put it more plainly, will the same people who rallied and shouted for this bill, stand up and raise their voices behind a Muslim who believes her religious freedom encroached upon by the government? Will an Atheist, whose freedom from religion plainly rests within the notion of the First Amendment, be given the support of the masses if his rights are tread upon? Should I even mention the freedom of same-sex couples that hold to religious beliefs which include being married before the God they love and serve? This list could go on and on...

Freedom and liberty are complicated issues; they are not always black and white, and they often take a great deal of work and commitment by the entire community to uphold. I have the freedom to go outside on the sidewalk in front of our apartment and swing a baseball bat around as many times as I want whenever I choose, but when my baseball bat makes contact with the poor soul’s shoulder who just happened to be using his freedom to walk on any sidewalk he prefers…we have a situation. We must learn to be a community that honors everyone’s freedom, not just a select few and not just those with whom we agree. Yes, this is sometimes a messy business and we have to figure some things out as we go, but for the betterment of humanity--even the world as a whole--we must figure a peaceful path to such ends. 

Shortly after leaving my religion completely, I held the feeling of wanting to “save the world from all religions.” With time, I have taken a more logical, tolerant, and peaceful approach to such things. For the better world I envision, all of us must have the freedom to follow our own heart and walk our own journey. Figuring out how to do this may be the million dollar question; it is also the key to a more peaceful world. My first thought would be to simply begin where many religious and non-religious viewpoints come into agreement: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Peace.

A Guest Post by Me - Don't Run for the Bus

I'll admit it. New York is an odd and ironic spot on the map to have chosen to learn to slow down and simplify, but perhaps, it is precisely such a place that amplifies the unacknowledged mindset of empty busyness within so that it exposes the true need for deliberate action. Such an epicenter of motion and movement often churns up a hurried-ness, even when you are in no particular hurry!

After a few months of living here, I had fallen into the habit of running for the bus or sub. Now, this is not Louisville, where the next bus may or may not come by (or even stop) in the next ten or fifty minutes, this is Queens, New York, for goodness sake. I do not need to run for a bus! I can count the times on one hand that I have had to wait more than ten minutes for any sort of public transportation. Even if I work late and come home at some god-forsaken 3am, I only end up waiting twenty minutes for a bus. Most everyone here runs to catch the bus, sub, or air train. I asked myself one day, why am I running? I did not have an answer. I do not know why others are doing so, but I discovered I had fallen into this mindset without even thinking about it.

It is just as easy to fall into the societal trap of buying things we don't need. We have determined to simplify our life. We knew that we would be downsizing in order to move here. We went from a large two bedroom apartment with separate dining room and five closets (one of which was a huge walk-in) to a studio apartment with two small closets, and a sort-of-separate-alcove-kitchen-space. Although we'd only lived in our Louisville apartment for less than two years, we were surprised at how muchstuff we'd collected. (Just ask mom and pop how much stuff we had since they so graciously let us keep it at the farm while we made our trek north.) We speak of it often now--we love our simplified life.

Slowing down, simplifying, minimizing, all of these come from an awareness that get more, be busier, strive continually, hurry up doesn't equal quality of life. And more often than not, this mindset seems to be the norm in our society, hindering us from having the time to examine our lives and recognize the faulty cycle into which we've fallen. And if we don't take the time to know who we are or where we going, being busy gets us nowhere; we are simply players in the proverbial rat race.

Below are some steps I have implemented, or are in the process of implementing, in order to reach a simpler, less distracted life. Whether or not you choose to simplify your life, give some thought to who you are, where you are going, and your level of happiness in your current state of mind. 

1. Less is indeed more -- this is the common sense stuff of simplifying. Plainly put, get rid of the stuff you don't need. (v. require because it is essential or very important) Each list will be different, but start with the sh*t you're already tripping over, and then just move on from there!

2. Give yourself space -- Just like the piles of treasures junk sitting in your garage, there are often piles and piles of junk cluttering our minds. Not to go all Buddhist on you, but meditation is the best way to clear up some space in your head and make way for creativity and clarity of thought. 

3. Don't jump off the bridge with your friends -- First, thanks, mom. I've become a much happier person as I've made choices that I've actually wanted to make. This includes giving yourself the freedom to say a kind and well-placed NO. Before you commit to something, even if it should sound like fun, make sure it is something you truly want to spend your time doing.  (Thanks for reminding me, wifey!) Don't do things because you think someone will think something about you if you don't. This is no longer middle school, and you have the right to make decisions that lead you to happiness. Many times we make decisions based upon others' opinions simply because we haven't taken the time to get to know us. As I have allowed myself the freedom to figure myself out, a new world of beauty and contentment has opened up for me. 

4. Stop running for the bus -- literally and figuratively. Thich Nhat Hanh says, "Smile, breathe, and slow down." So, Socrates meets Thich Nhat Hanh: Slow down and know thyself. This, in turn, adds to the collective peace of humanity and I think we can all agree that we need more of that!

5. Re-evaluate relationships -- I've recently given up Facebook. Now, don't get me wrong, I was a bit of a Facebook nerd, but having given it up, I realize that I want a more intentional relationship with people. This, undoubtedly, will mean fewer people in my non-Facebook friends list, but this is healthy for me. It has also made me realize that I want those intentional relationships with people who want an intentional relationship with me. I have uncovered a certain degree of OCD/unrealistic-view-of-loyalty when it comes to keeping in touch with people, and I've seen that it has become a true distraction in my ability to simply be present. 

The desired result is a more peaceful, less cluttered, more intentional life for myself and my wifey. With the slow down comes more time spent doing what we love: being together.

First published on eight million plus two

My Journey with Buddhism

I am not a Buddhist, in the average sense of the word, but I cannot deny the crucial role Buddhism has played in my journey towards finding myself. It wasn't an intentional step, but it was an accidental stepping stone that seemed to appear out of nowhere when I needed it the most.

As Christianity was crumbling out from under me, in hindsight, I was frantically looking for something to grasp on to; I felt much like being on the edge of cliff and as the ground beneath me gave way, I was searching the edge of the rocks, as I began to fall, for a branch or something to keep me from falling into the abyss. I was in full-blown panic mode. Ironically, as I got know Buddhism, or better yet, as I got to know myself through Buddhism, I learned the important concept of groundlessness. As Pema Chödrön explains so well, groundlessness is simply becoming okay with life's messiness and relaxing with the ever-shifting, ever-changing aspect of our journey on this earth. As I was able to relax and stay present within these moments, no matter how terrifying or unsettling they felt to me, I stumbled upon a freshness of life that I truly didn't know existed.

Another key concept, that perhaps sounds too simple, was the awakening of compassion towards myself. Simply put, I was learning to become friends with myself. I was wading through loads of confusion, stress, and disappointment; I truly didn't know where to go from here, but I started meditating on these few simple concepts. Through this experience, I learned to love myself and relax. This led to the awakening within that continues to this day. A life-altering experience that I ponder often, but one that I find difficult to put into words.

As a way of life, a mindset, a philosophy, Buddhism has meant the world to me and opened my heart to understand myself and live my journey to the greatest depths. It led me to a peace within when nothing around me seemed peaceful. It awakened a magnificent compassion for myself and for others. Perhaps, I steer clear of calling myself a Buddhist because I so often find myself leery of religious labels these days, but luckily, Buddhism takes no slight from this standpoint. Buddhism encourages a true-ness to oneself that allows me the freedom to breathe, be me, and live this journey for which I am so grateful. As I was grasping for anything to hold on to, I learned that real freedom and peace come from settling into the moment and learning not to grasp.

 When there is great disappointment we don't know if that's the end of the story; it may be just the beginning of a great adventure. 

Pema Chödrön

And if you are interested in an amazing book that I think you will find challenging and encouraging no matter what your viewpoint or background: When Things Fall Apart - Pema Chödrön

CoExist

Coexist. This concept has always made a lot of sense to me. I’ve heard sermons concerning the dangers of such ideas, but I struggled to align myself with such viewpoints. Yes, probably because I was already struggling with the actual existence of a one true god, but even as a missionary, yes, you read that correctly, I struggled to find the words I needed to condemn another’s faith. I had a hard time wrapping my head around the concept of the absolute rightness of my religion and the absolute wrongness of yours. This viewpoint, no matter what religious label you wear, brings strife and violence into situations, while most of us simple long for peace.

Recently, at the National Prayer Breakfast, (I will not even touch the shady lines between church and state at this point) President Obama caused quite a stir by speaking on religions in general as instruments of good, but also of deplorable evils. (Notably, a small section of an otherwise very Christian speech.) Those offended by these comments have gone off the deep end to defend Christianity as nothing like those other horrible religions that do harm. Seriously though, we can’t honestly believe this, right? Are we so far removed from history that we’ve forgotten the horrors caused in the name of Christ? This is not to point a judgmental finger towards Christianity, all religions have followers who use their distorted beliefs as justification for atrocities, but it is to point our focus towards the broader picture. Denying Christianity’s evil side, as it were, seems only to lead to the weakening of a Christian’s actual witness. Any and all religions have one major ingredient in common…humans. And like anything else that humans are even remotely involved in, there will be beautiful potential for good and a shocking potential for evil.

Last week, I met a charming old man from Egypt. As I worked, we talked and laughed about nothing in particular; from start to finish we spent, perhaps, only ten minutes together. I’m quite sure we’ll never meet again, but before he left, he reached up and grabbed my hand across the counter. As he looked directly into my eyes, he said, “Thank you for being kind. I don’t get that from many people.” Then he turned and walked away. The intense look in his eyes is still with me. This story is not to say that I did anything noteworthy, for I don’t think I did, but it serves as a dramatic reminder to me: Kindness makes a difference. As the Dalai Lama has said, “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” I will never know this man’s background, his experiences, his religion, his views, but it seems that for a simple moment, I touched his life in a way that I’ll never fully comprehend. At that moment, there was no religion, there was only human interaction. Choices and the intentions of the heart make moments beautiful or harmful—whatever label is designated to the individual by society.

My parents are kind, compassionate, loving Christians, but had we been born in India, there’s a good chance that they would be kind, compassionate, loving Hindus, although I cannot know this for sure. My parents and others that I know, give Christianity a good name. I also know several Muslims, Buddhists, and Atheists who give their respective worldviews good names. Sadly, the opposite can be said as well. Having worked in the dark side/politics of Christianity as a minister, I’ve seen and experienced the ugly potential for harm that lies within the Church walls. It is the individual and personal choices that make the difference.

As the President said in his speech, “…we are summoned to push back against those who try to distort our religion—any religion—for their own nihilistic ends.  And here at home and around the world, we will constantly reaffirm that fundamental freedom—freedom of religion—the right to practice our faith how we choose, to change our faith if we choose, to practice no faith at all if we choose, and to do so free of persecution and fear and discrimination.” I have chosen a different path other than religion, but I do not think it beneficial to force you to walk the same path I have chosen. We must all have the freedom of our own journey, and we must be faithful to that freedom for others. The vast majority of all peoples desires peace; may this desire bind us together as we focus on our commonalities and learn to better coexist. 

I am grateful to be gay

Recently, referring to being gay, I heard someone say, "I wouldn't wish this on anyone," and it sent me pondering this phrase in the context of my life thus far. I've heard this several times, and most often I think it has come from those who have been dealt a difficult hand as it pertains to the process of coming out. I don't pretend to have experienced much hatred or harm due to my coming out; I am grateful for this fact, so this pondering is with the acknowledgement of being spared such heartbreak that many others have suffered at the hands of the ignorant, misinformed, or mean-spirited. 

There were several stages to my self-discovery.  After coming out to myself, there were many, many , MANY bouts of struggle within. I was not a teen with my whole life ahead of me. I was already in my 30s, and I really questioned whether coming out was the best decision for me to make at such a time. I liked my life; did I really want to rock this boat? On the other hand, did I want to silence this very real part of me forever?

I think I've mentioned this before, but part of my hesitation was simply pride, sadly so. All those years of knowing that people around me were wondering this very thing about me, as I tried so desperately to pretend I wasn't this way...it was the giant rainbow colored elephant in the room. Secretly, I know many feared I was gay, people told me this after I came out; hell, I secretly feared I was gay, so we were on the same page of that book!

Months of searching and serious questioning brought me to this one cornerstone conclusion....I wouldn't want anyone in my family or in my life to be afraid of being exactly who they were around me, so I should be honest enough with myself and with them to live in this same manner. I had said it so many times: just be who you are; it was time I lived these words by example. 

Most of you know how my life has changed since making that decision. You also know that some have decided not to include me or my wife in their lives, but most have shown me the love I had always trusted, and they have extended that beautiful love that I have known to my wonderful wife. For this I am also grateful. If you have spent any amount of time with us in the past few years you realize that I have reached a happiness beyond all I knew existed. 

Turning this back to the topic at hand, I ask myself would I wish this--my life, my journey, my gayness--on someone? It has not been without its hurtful moments, but isn't that true of all our lives? Perhaps the more appropriate question I would choose to ask is: do I want such a peace and happiness that I now enjoy for everyone? Without hesitation, yes! Most definitely, yes!

I have no way of seeing how my life would have played out had I not made that choice to come out, but I can't imagine not waking up beside the most mesmerizing person in this world, not spending hours talking to her about anything and everything, or not walking this thing called life with the one soul that gets me more than anyone else. (She knows me, yet has still decided to keep me--how did I get so lucky?) 

Had my life turned out differently, I believe I would have still been happy that I came out. Even before M- entered the stage, the heaviness that was lifted out of my soul during the process of coming out was a most rewarding experience. My life suddenly and completely made sense--a feeling I had not known before that time. This level of personal contentment I wish for everyone--for those I love, for those who are hurting, and even for those who so sadly wish to destroy this beautiful life. I am extremely grateful for the stages of my journey that have made me who I am today. I am happy to be ever-so-happily me; I am grateful to be gay. 

I wish peace for you today. I wish a lightness of heart for those of you carrying around a burden, known or unknown. We are all in this together and if there is ever anything I can do for you, I am here. Let's make this world better for those who come after.