Operation De-Clutter Simplify Update

It has been several months since I determined to de-clutter/simplify parts of my life that held a "too much" air about them. I'll say it has been a bit of an addictive experience, but one that has left me feeling lighter and healthier.

One of the most freeing venues of de-clutter was that of social media/technology. Obviously, ending my relationship with Facebook freed up a lot of time in my mind, and I have seen a drastic increase in my creativity as it pertains to writing. I did not realize the extent to which I'd become "mindless" in this area. For the first few weeks, on the bus to work, I would pull out my phone and look for my Facebook app before I would remember it was no longer there. It had become a mindless habit for me. That is not to cast judgment on the millions of Facebook users, but for me, for my journey, I was looking for a more mindful way to be present in my life.

Along those same lines, I de-cluttered the enormous amount of daily emails with which I was bombarded. Sales on this site, money for that cause, I found myself deleting 20+ emails every day without even opening them. I went on an unsubscribing spree and now I receive 5 emails a day from sites that truly matter to me or that I enjoy reading. I find myself looking forward to opening my inbox now that I have de-cluttered.

Also, when I write, I close all websites and email accounts and simply...write. It has surprised me! I did not understand how distracted I'd become. I have written more in the last two months, than over the last year.

Lastly, with respect to our highly connected society, I have started turning my phone off when I am out for the day enjoying the city, or the beach, or the woods with my wife. If it were not for the simple fact of sometimes needing access to my Bible (a.k.a. Google Map), I would now be content to even leave it at home. (This is coming from a person who once said she would get an implanted phone when they became available.) As my wife says wisely, "if it is an emergency, they should call 9-1-1."

I love being able to stay connected with the people I care about, but I have enjoyed this re-evaluation of my life and my desire to stay connected with the present moment. In doing so, I can have the peace of mind and contentment that makes me a more healthy and happier soul for those people I care about. In the end, that is a beautiful feeling.

Peace to you!

***As is my life, this blog is a work in progress. My desire is to facilitate constructive, respectful conversations about life and our collective journey towards peace and happiness. This has become an obsession.

Please add “your two cents worth” below, and feel free to share this blog. The more the merrier! Understanding ourselves helps us understand others—bringing us one step closer to attaining peace.***

Distanced Friends

I’m sorry it came as a shock. It was quite a shock for me too. I get it, well, at least I get some of it. I’m not the person you thought I was, and no matter how long you’d known me before my coming out, that’s been a hard adjustment for you. It took a bit for me to adjust also, and I gave myself plenty of time before I told you. This was on purpose.

For starters, and to be honest, I had to see if was going to be worth it, personally; laying aside the fact that I am now happily married, I foresaw nothing of the sort back then. (I had yet to even meet the soul who is now my wife.)  So with the assumption that I would stay happily single, was it really going to be worth the risk? I wasn't sure.

Soon enough, I had to change my line of questioning. As I became comfortable in my own skin, I realized how much freer I’d become. I wanted this for others—for you. Believe it or not, I thought of you and others and how I’d feel if the tables were turned. Would I want you to hide who you were, even if you were happier, because I was uncomfortable with it? Hiding who we are is not a healthy way for us to live. I don’t want others, no doubt others who are in your life right now, hiding for fear of rejection.Yeah, they're there in your life, they just haven't gotten up the courage to tell you yet.

It is true, I am different than I was in many ways. I’m happier. I’m freer. I’m more honest. I even think I’m funnier, but that may be up for debate! I am myself. At least I am becoming more myself every day—it’s a journey. I really wish you knew me now! I wake up each day alive—not just breathing, but alive!

Okay, so now the details. Yeah, that.  I am gay, and I have a wife, and you’re uncomfortable with that. It doesn’t have to be awkward you know. Do you have questions? Ask. (Yes, we have sex, and, no, I won't talk about it.) No questions? No worries. We don’t make a habit of sitting around and forcing others to talk about being gay. Do you sit around and talk about being straight? We’re all so much more than one dimensional; we're more alike than we are different. We just want to spend time with you.

My wife and I, we love to talk. We play scrabble. We cook together. We walk together. We write, we hike, we laugh...often. We plan our future together. My wife is studying human rights, we’re both concerned about climate change, so those topics are always on the table for discussion if you'd prefer.

We’re now [sort of] legally married in all states. Did you know that? My colleagues at work congratulated me when I walked into work that day.  It made me smile. While I didn’t expect a call from you, I thought about how nice it would have been. Whatever you’ve been taught about the evils of my life is wrong. I know, I once thought all those horrible things myself, about myself, but they’re unfounded and harmful.

Lastly, I simply miss you in my life, and it saddens me that you don’t know my wife. She’s really something. (Last week, her dentist asked me if I knew that I was married to the nicest person in the world. I quickly told him I was aware.) 

Let's face it. You and me, we’ll we’ve been through some intense shit together, if I may be so bold, and you were the kind of person I wanted to hang onto in this life. Honestly, you were the kind of person I thought would see this thing through.

We’re in this thing called life together, you know. I value your place in my life; I wish you’d come around more often.

Peace to you and your journey,

Your gay friend

***As is my life, this blog is a work in progress; my desire is to facilitate constructive and respectful conversations about life and our collective journey towards peace. This has become an obsession. Please add "your two cents worth" below, and feel free to share this blog. 

The more the merrier! Understanding ourselves helps us understand others; therefore bringing us one step closer to attaining peace.***

"Do Something"

Yesterday, as I was sitting on the beach, my first day of vacation, with my toes in the sand next to the love of my life, I began to think about my journey to this very day. In comparison to the frustrated, directionless, crushed individual I was eleven years ago…well, there really is no comparison.

The journey is still something of a wonderment to me, and I will openly admit I had no idea where I was headed, but I just remember thinking I can’t stay here. By here I didn’t mean a physical location, although I did end up relocating eventually. I was stuck and frozen with panic. By here I meant in the place that was suffocating me.

My dad has a saying: “Do something, even if it’s wrong.” He’s a bit of a guru if you ask me, because that’s the mentality that motivated my first few steps. I had no idea where I was going or what I was doing, but I knew staying in the place of darkness was certain death to my soul.  I had to do something, even if it was wrong.

Now obviously this was not a father’s encouragement for his daughter to pursue bank robbery as an occupation; hopefully, you get the meaning behind the message. When life as we know it comes to a screeching halt, it is difficult to get it going again. To stay stuck was to let the situation drain all the life out of me, and I wasn’t going to give anyone the satisfaction of saying they’d destroyed my life.

My first few steps were wobbly. I was bobbing and weaving all over the place, but I was moving, albeit slowly. Life was slowly coming back to me. When I would catch myself falling back into those places of panic, I would make great effort to change my frame of mind, my situation, and my mood.

I still didn’t know where I was going, and I still didn’t really have a goal other than just not here, but I slowly began to realize that these steps were leading me away from self-pity, anger, and negativity. Buddhism has taught me that it’s okay to acknowledge and accept that life isn’t fair, but self-pity, anger, and negativity are nasty beasts by which to be bitten. They do not lead to a healthy life.

As I kept walking (or kept swimming if you ask Dory) I began to regain my focus. I realized I had a voice, I began to see the world with compassion, and I figured out where I wanted to go. It didn’t come quickly, but I learned to be purposeful in my doings. If I caught myself replaying conversations or situations from the past, I would change the topic in my head. I learned to force my mind to stay in safe places.

Life isn’t very fair, and sometimes, quite frankly, it just downright sucks, but it is life and it is always changing. If you find yourself stuck, do something, anything, big or small, to break the cycle that keeps pulling you under. Refuse to let pain, disappointment, or hurt define who you are and where you’ll go. If you’re not sure of your destination, at least move from where you no longer want a permanent address. Life in transit is an okay place to be for a time. Just let yourself be there. Don’t panic, just keep swimming. At least you’ll be moving and life will begin to flow again.  

Updates

Hello to anyone and everyone!

It has been awhile, I know. I have been focused on two more edits of the memoir, and I'm happy to announce that it looks like it is nearing the next phase. Although I polish a little here and a little there with every re-read, I am so happy with the way it has turned out.

My next phase will be submission. I have a few LGBT publishing houses in mind that seem to be interested in memoirs, so I will start there. We'll see where this leads; I am in this for the long haul, so I will not stop until it is published!

As I read through the pages of the last edit,  I recalled the motivation of writing Leaving God; Finding Me in the first place. When I was younger, I would have given anything to have been able to hear someone's story--to know someone felt the feelings I felt. It would have made me feel less odd, less confused, less alone. There are far too many people today struggling with confusion over sexuality and/or religion. (I am constantly amazed at how often these two go hand in hand.)

My reason for writing is simple. To tell those who struggle, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are beautiful just the way you are; live your life, and be happy.

Whatever the outcome, I am so grateful for this journey. The future is bright and full of opportunities.

Peace!

Kindness

Let’s face it; we all have people in our lives that are harder to get along than others. And if we really want to be honest, we’ll admit that we might even be those people who are harder to get along with in someone else’s life.  Yes, I find it hard to believe that there might be someone in this world who doesn’t adore my sense of sarcasm or think my worldview is the greatest, but the small chance that there is that someone exists!

But in all honesty, there are times when kindness is difficult. I have been struggling with this in certain arenas of my life lately. I think most of us ultimately want to be kind, but we often struggle due to anger, frustration, or even hurt.

Someone said recently, “I let the other person set the tone; if they're rude, I will not waste my time being nice to them.”  Admittedly, this option is tempting, I've even chosen it in certain situations, but by choosing the reactionary way, we relinquish control over the situation; do we really want the rude, the obnoxious, the inconsiderate to be in control of human interactions?

There are times when I have honestly given it my best shot to change the tone of a situation with an impolite person, but failed. But on the other hand, there are times, when I have responded in calloused, reactionary ways that have left me truly disappointed with myself.

I’ve decided that kindness is not for the weak for it appears to be the more difficult choice.  This week, in one of the above situations, I have repeatedly told myself to err on the side of kindness, if I must err. It has taken quite an effort, and I have failed at times, but I am happier with myself when I aim towards kindness, rather than react to the unkindness of others. With this choice, I have peace of mind and a clearer conscience, which, in turn, deescalates tensions in the atmosphere and lets me go home at night and sleep at ease.

I’ll leave you with the Metta Bhavana; a mantra that I find particularly helpful in situations such as these:

May you be well

May you be happy

May you be peaceful

May you be filled with lovingkindness

***As is my life, this blog is a work in progress; my desire is to facilitate constructive and respectful conversations about life and our collective journey towards peace. It has become an obsession. Please add "your two cents worth" below, and feel free to share this blog. The more the merrier! Understanding ourselves helps us understand others; therefore bringing us one step closer to attaining peace.***

Happy "You Give Motherhood a Good Name" Day

I've been writing this particular post for a long time, probably all my life. The life gifts I've been given by both of my parents would take another lifetime to cover, but today, a day to honor those mothers who give motherhood a good name, I am drastically aware of how much I've been given in this life.

Mornings at the Wimberley household were simply not for the faint of heart---but in a good way. There was no easing into the new day; life hit the ground running. More often than not, I was awakened by my mother's singing as she went about her morning routine. If she wasn't singing, she would be praying for each of us aloud as she did the dishes, or having a conversation with pop as they drank their coffee. The mood was light and cheerful and peaceful; it was an inviting feeling.  

I am grateful to have never awakened in cold chaos or angry words. I cannot comprehend the feelings that must run through children who awake to and live in such an atmosphere. My heart breaks for them. It seems a bit of a taboo subject on such a day, but there are mothers who don't really give motherhood a good name--it's a shame and a concept I don't understand really...bringing children into this world, but then choosing not to cherishing these children for the absolute treasures that they are. Even sadder still, are those who move beyond giving motherhood a bad name and become monsters that cause damage in the lives of the young. 

 
Motherhood is not for the weak, this I know. It takes great amounts of strength, tears, sweat, wisdom, and probably Tylenol. As I look back on my childhood, I am grateful for the honest, compassionate upbringing I was given. My mom has always been a source of security and safety; even when we have not agreed on issues, I have never had to struggle through the feeling of being unloved. She has supported me in times that she could not necessarily agree with or support my decisions. (I am also grateful for the opportunities to fail--and fail I did, just ask me about living in Oklahoma!) While I could not predict my parents' exact response to my late coming out, I knew that they would not withhold their love and support from me as a person, as their daughter, and now I am even more grateful that this love and acceptance is beautifully extended to my wife. Love and acceptance were never bargaining chips in our family--and this made a drastic difference in my confidence level as I sat out to explore the world and myself. May many follow in her footsteps. Peace.

Happy Mom's Day, Mom, you give motherhood a good name!

We Gotta Give Em Hope

My friends used to say that it took me two hours to explain a one hour movie. I’m guessing I don’t have a future as a movie critic. This is not really a space for movie reviews, but I recently watched one of those movies that stay with you, if you know what I mean. This post is not about critiquing this movie (five stars) or even enticing you to watch it (which you should), but it is about the profound effect it had on me. Out in the Dark was a hard movie for me to watch—I paused it halfway through to get another glass of wine—I was on edge the entire time, but just knowing that there are people who face the issues that were brought to light in this movie, quite simply breaks my heart.

Out in the Dark

In a quick sentence, the movie was about a Palestinian (male) college student who falls in love with a young, Jewish (male) lawyer. That one sentence sets up more problems than most people will face in a lifetime, but these two young men face all of this and more. Like many others, living true to themselves meant putting their lives and their loved ones in danger. It is a cruel world that tells someone they must deny an innate part of themselves in order to live; sadly ironic, to live in this manner is to die a slow death inside. In many ways, this movie touched me personally. Although we are not a Jewish/Palestinian couple, it is not a far-fetched idea that we could have faced similar issues and dangers in the not so distant past. In fact, had we met in my wife’s birth country and not here, we would not even have to look towards the past; being openly gay would very likely not be a feasible survivable option, since gays are still persecuted, oppressed, and even beheaded to this day. (I purposely did not link this reference due to disturbing images, but feel free to search.)

Many things ran through my mind as I watched this film. I found myself profoundly grateful for the life I’ve been given to live. In spite of the fact that a minority of US citizens (yes, it is a minority!) would prefer to keep the basic rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness from us, I appreciate a president who has pushed for a more equal, safer country in this regard. Equality makes us stronger as a nation, whether we choose to believe it or not. This movie also brought a scripture to mind, (yes, you read that correctly) to whom much is given, much is required. I have been given much by this life: I have the freedom to follow my path towards happiness, follow my soul towards being genuinely me, and follow my heart to marry the love that I call home.

Stonewall Inn 1969/Today

But to live in the happiness without acknowledgement of certain aspects of my life is to live irresponsibly. Often, when I walk in the city I walk by the Stonewall Inn on Christopher Street.  Seeing the rainbow flags that fly in the Manhattan breeze never fails to move me. I must acknowledge the ones who paved the way for my beautiful marriage and I thank them. We have a ways to go yet, but the fact that I sleep peacefully in our tiny home means their efforts were not in vain.

I must also acknowledge the fact that with my freedom of happiness comes a responsibility to those who still live without such freedom or basic rights. I cannot say “well, I have mine, now you get yours” and stay true to myself or my principles. This concept reaches far beyond the scope of gay rights. My wife once told me that, as a child, she often wondered if anyone out there was thinking of her, knew of her life, or was trying to help her. This image has left such a mark upon my life. Today, there will be individuals who die simply because they are gay; unfortunately, I will not know their names or their stories, but it is my responsibility to use my voice and my life to expose the ignorance that fuels this type of oppression and discrimination in all forms.

You’ve probably heard the saying, “It gets better.” I truly love this phrase because it gives hope, and as Harvey Milk said, “you...gotta give em hope.” Just saying it gets better does not make it so. We have to make it get better; it doesn’t happen on its own. Just as my marriage would not be possible without the efforts of others, present and future generations are relying on us to be the change we want to see in this world. (Mahatma Gandhi) We want better? We must be better. We want peace? We must be peace. We want hope? We must be hope.

***As is my life, this blog is a work in progress; my desire is to facilitate constructive and respectful conversations about life and our collective journey towards peace. It has become an obsession. Please add "your two cents worth" below, and feel free to share this blog. The more the merrier! Understanding ourselves helps us understand others; therefore bringing us one step closer to attaining peace.***

Conversation with a Stranger

I am fully and completely my father's daughter when it comes to my love of conversing with strangers. Besides the wonderful experience of meeting fellow members of humanity, these moments allow me the opportunity to learn from others' life stories and broaden my viewpoint of this world in which we live. Last night's interaction with a seventy-something year old Armenian professor was no different.

Our conversation struck up based upon his travels.  After several minutes of conversation, I had discovered that this delightful man was headed to Armenia for the centennial commemoration of the Armenian genocide. Thinking to enlighten me on the topic, he acted quite surprised that I already knew of this event. He began to inquire as to how I knew, and looked at me curiously when I told him that my wife was doing research on this topic currently. Honestly, his silence made me wonder for a moment whether I should have mentioned my wife. The conversation went as follows:

-You have a wife?

-Yes, sir, I do.

-You are a girl?

-Yes, sir, I am. We moved to New York and got married. Is that okay?

-Are you kidding me? I just attended the marriage of my wife's niece! Two white dresses, two people in love, it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen!

He moved back to the more important topic of the genocide and how I came to know about it. I told him my wife was currently studying History and Human Rights and is set on making this world a place where fewer genocides and atrocities happen. I told him of her love for humanity and how she inspires me to live each day in such a way that adds to the collective peace we so desperately need. A beautiful smile appeared upon his face:

-This is good. When you get home please tell her "don't give up." Give her a big hug and a kiss from me.

Hey Jude.

For the last few days, I've awakened with this song in my head. Yesterday I sat down to play it on the guitar; I figured I might as well go with if it is floating around in my head for so long. Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you that I am horrible at remembering lyrics, but the one line of this song that has always stuck with me is take a sad song and make it better. In our daily lives, our paths cross with many people who have sad songs within. These sad songs have many different tunes, and they are sung in many different ways: bitterness, unkindness, rudeness, pure sadness, emptiness, to name a few. It is easy to become frustrated by these tunes when they slap us in the face (figuratively, hopefully), and I find myself forgetting to look beyond the obvious and empathize with the sad tune within that sparks these outward displays of harshness.

Take a sad song and make it better. We cannot fix people; the quickest way to make matters worse is to try and fix people. It frustrates us and it usually infuriates them. (Think do unto others...) We can, however, shine light into their lives by they way we act with and react to them. How can we make it better today? We are all in this thing together, and to quote my wise mother, "all God's children got issues." No one has it all together, but the way we respond to and interact with one another either makes the situation worse or better.

It is an easy path to take to say, you want to be rude with me? No problem, I'll be rude right back. It's the easy way out, and if you're happy with the song that is playing in our world at the present moment, then be my guest. But I envision a different song, a happier tune, than the one to which we are currently marching. Let's makes someone's sad song better today. It may not be easy. It starts with us, and while we're doing this, we can also see what song is playing within our own souls and make it better as well. Compassion towards ourselves and others makes for happier songs all around.

Religious Freedoms

I am, in general, a relatively hopeful person. I try to find a bright side in events and circumstances, although this is not always possible. Even though we are living in a messy world, I do tend to focus on the positive signs of progress that I see happening. I also do try to stay away from blatant political frustrations, of which I have many, on this blog. Domestically, we’ve come a long way towards equality and respect for one another, which I consider essential for a better world for all. (Although we have a long way to go in many of these areas) And I do mean equality and respect in the broadest sense. When I caught wind of the “religious freedom” bill that recently passed in Indiana, I confess to being more than a bit disheartened.

The bill, which basically allows people to discriminate choose not to serve individuals based on their own religious beliefs, is said to be a protection put in place for the religious freedoms of individuals. Baloney. The Governor of Indiana said, “The Constitution of the United States and the Indiana Constitution both provide strong recognition of the freedom of religion but today, many people of faith feel their religious liberty is under attack by government action.” I’m not sure what country people who feel their religious liberty is under attack by the government are living in, but I’m pretty sure it’s not the same country in which I am currently residing. Even as I write this blog in a hotel room in Miami, there is a segment playing on one of the morning news shows about Faith in America and the power of prayer; focusing on the importance of faith and prayer to Americans. This same country has prayer rallies on a consistent basis all across the map, and these rallies are attended frequently by politicians and men of power alike. The US has more churches than Carter has pills, and to my knowledge, you don’t have to enter and exit under the cover of darkness. You can go to church every day in broad daylight, pray out loud on the corner, sing hymns on the bus, and read your bible on the subway, without fear of retribution by the government. As a matter of fact, it is somewhat of an oddity in this country to say you have “no religion,” or express a faith that isn't Christian;  I know, I’ve seen the blank looks that come along with these types of conversations.

I am leery of such measures because I think they are a cover up for something else—something more sinister than freedom and liberty that leads us down a path on which we do not want to be as a country. I could be—and actually hope to be—wrong, but based upon our record as far as such things go, I do not see this bill being upheld in circumstances that do not portray the religious belief that is considered the “right belief” in the US. To put it more plainly, will the same people who rallied and shouted for this bill, stand up and raise their voices behind a Muslim who believes her religious freedom encroached upon by the government? Will an Atheist, whose freedom from religion plainly rests within the notion of the First Amendment, be given the support of the masses if his rights are tread upon? Should I even mention the freedom of same-sex couples that hold to religious beliefs which include being married before the God they love and serve? This list could go on and on...

Freedom and liberty are complicated issues; they are not always black and white, and they often take a great deal of work and commitment by the entire community to uphold. I have the freedom to go outside on the sidewalk in front of our apartment and swing a baseball bat around as many times as I want whenever I choose, but when my baseball bat makes contact with the poor soul’s shoulder who just happened to be using his freedom to walk on any sidewalk he prefers…we have a situation. We must learn to be a community that honors everyone’s freedom, not just a select few and not just those with whom we agree. Yes, this is sometimes a messy business and we have to figure some things out as we go, but for the betterment of humanity--even the world as a whole--we must figure a peaceful path to such ends. 

Shortly after leaving my religion completely, I held the feeling of wanting to “save the world from all religions.” With time, I have taken a more logical, tolerant, and peaceful approach to such things. For the better world I envision, all of us must have the freedom to follow our own heart and walk our own journey. Figuring out how to do this may be the million dollar question; it is also the key to a more peaceful world. My first thought would be to simply begin where many religious and non-religious viewpoints come into agreement: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Peace.

A Guest Post by Me - Don't Run for the Bus

I'll admit it. New York is an odd and ironic spot on the map to have chosen to learn to slow down and simplify, but perhaps, it is precisely such a place that amplifies the unacknowledged mindset of empty busyness within so that it exposes the true need for deliberate action. Such an epicenter of motion and movement often churns up a hurried-ness, even when you are in no particular hurry!

After a few months of living here, I had fallen into the habit of running for the bus or sub. Now, this is not Louisville, where the next bus may or may not come by (or even stop) in the next ten or fifty minutes, this is Queens, New York, for goodness sake. I do not need to run for a bus! I can count the times on one hand that I have had to wait more than ten minutes for any sort of public transportation. Even if I work late and come home at some god-forsaken 3am, I only end up waiting twenty minutes for a bus. Most everyone here runs to catch the bus, sub, or air train. I asked myself one day, why am I running? I did not have an answer. I do not know why others are doing so, but I discovered I had fallen into this mindset without even thinking about it.

It is just as easy to fall into the societal trap of buying things we don't need. We have determined to simplify our life. We knew that we would be downsizing in order to move here. We went from a large two bedroom apartment with separate dining room and five closets (one of which was a huge walk-in) to a studio apartment with two small closets, and a sort-of-separate-alcove-kitchen-space. Although we'd only lived in our Louisville apartment for less than two years, we were surprised at how muchstuff we'd collected. (Just ask mom and pop how much stuff we had since they so graciously let us keep it at the farm while we made our trek north.) We speak of it often now--we love our simplified life.

Slowing down, simplifying, minimizing, all of these come from an awareness that get more, be busier, strive continually, hurry up doesn't equal quality of life. And more often than not, this mindset seems to be the norm in our society, hindering us from having the time to examine our lives and recognize the faulty cycle into which we've fallen. And if we don't take the time to know who we are or where we going, being busy gets us nowhere; we are simply players in the proverbial rat race.

Below are some steps I have implemented, or are in the process of implementing, in order to reach a simpler, less distracted life. Whether or not you choose to simplify your life, give some thought to who you are, where you are going, and your level of happiness in your current state of mind. 

1. Less is indeed more -- this is the common sense stuff of simplifying. Plainly put, get rid of the stuff you don't need. (v. require because it is essential or very important) Each list will be different, but start with the sh*t you're already tripping over, and then just move on from there!

2. Give yourself space -- Just like the piles of treasures junk sitting in your garage, there are often piles and piles of junk cluttering our minds. Not to go all Buddhist on you, but meditation is the best way to clear up some space in your head and make way for creativity and clarity of thought. 

3. Don't jump off the bridge with your friends -- First, thanks, mom. I've become a much happier person as I've made choices that I've actually wanted to make. This includes giving yourself the freedom to say a kind and well-placed NO. Before you commit to something, even if it should sound like fun, make sure it is something you truly want to spend your time doing.  (Thanks for reminding me, wifey!) Don't do things because you think someone will think something about you if you don't. This is no longer middle school, and you have the right to make decisions that lead you to happiness. Many times we make decisions based upon others' opinions simply because we haven't taken the time to get to know us. As I have allowed myself the freedom to figure myself out, a new world of beauty and contentment has opened up for me. 

4. Stop running for the bus -- literally and figuratively. Thich Nhat Hanh says, "Smile, breathe, and slow down." So, Socrates meets Thich Nhat Hanh: Slow down and know thyself. This, in turn, adds to the collective peace of humanity and I think we can all agree that we need more of that!

5. Re-evaluate relationships -- I've recently given up Facebook. Now, don't get me wrong, I was a bit of a Facebook nerd, but having given it up, I realize that I want a more intentional relationship with people. This, undoubtedly, will mean fewer people in my non-Facebook friends list, but this is healthy for me. It has also made me realize that I want those intentional relationships with people who want an intentional relationship with me. I have uncovered a certain degree of OCD/unrealistic-view-of-loyalty when it comes to keeping in touch with people, and I've seen that it has become a true distraction in my ability to simply be present. 

The desired result is a more peaceful, less cluttered, more intentional life for myself and my wifey. With the slow down comes more time spent doing what we love: being together.

First published on eight million plus two

My Journey with Buddhism

I am not a Buddhist, in the average sense of the word, but I cannot deny the crucial role Buddhism has played in my journey towards finding myself. It wasn't an intentional step, but it was an accidental stepping stone that seemed to appear out of nowhere when I needed it the most.

As Christianity was crumbling out from under me, in hindsight, I was frantically looking for something to grasp on to; I felt much like being on the edge of cliff and as the ground beneath me gave way, I was searching the edge of the rocks, as I began to fall, for a branch or something to keep me from falling into the abyss. I was in full-blown panic mode. Ironically, as I got know Buddhism, or better yet, as I got to know myself through Buddhism, I learned the important concept of groundlessness. As Pema Chödrön explains so well, groundlessness is simply becoming okay with life's messiness and relaxing with the ever-shifting, ever-changing aspect of our journey on this earth. As I was able to relax and stay present within these moments, no matter how terrifying or unsettling they felt to me, I stumbled upon a freshness of life that I truly didn't know existed.

Another key concept, that perhaps sounds too simple, was the awakening of compassion towards myself. Simply put, I was learning to become friends with myself. I was wading through loads of confusion, stress, and disappointment; I truly didn't know where to go from here, but I started meditating on these few simple concepts. Through this experience, I learned to love myself and relax. This led to the awakening within that continues to this day. A life-altering experience that I ponder often, but one that I find difficult to put into words.

As a way of life, a mindset, a philosophy, Buddhism has meant the world to me and opened my heart to understand myself and live my journey to the greatest depths. It led me to a peace within when nothing around me seemed peaceful. It awakened a magnificent compassion for myself and for others. Perhaps, I steer clear of calling myself a Buddhist because I so often find myself leery of religious labels these days, but luckily, Buddhism takes no slight from this standpoint. Buddhism encourages a true-ness to oneself that allows me the freedom to breathe, be me, and live this journey for which I am so grateful. As I was grasping for anything to hold on to, I learned that real freedom and peace come from settling into the moment and learning not to grasp.

 When there is great disappointment we don't know if that's the end of the story; it may be just the beginning of a great adventure. 

Pema Chödrön

And if you are interested in an amazing book that I think you will find challenging and encouraging no matter what your viewpoint or background: When Things Fall Apart - Pema Chödrön

CoExist

Coexist. This concept has always made a lot of sense to me. I’ve heard sermons concerning the dangers of such ideas, but I struggled to align myself with such viewpoints. Yes, probably because I was already struggling with the actual existence of a one true god, but even as a missionary, yes, you read that correctly, I struggled to find the words I needed to condemn another’s faith. I had a hard time wrapping my head around the concept of the absolute rightness of my religion and the absolute wrongness of yours. This viewpoint, no matter what religious label you wear, brings strife and violence into situations, while most of us simple long for peace.

Recently, at the National Prayer Breakfast, (I will not even touch the shady lines between church and state at this point) President Obama caused quite a stir by speaking on religions in general as instruments of good, but also of deplorable evils. (Notably, a small section of an otherwise very Christian speech.) Those offended by these comments have gone off the deep end to defend Christianity as nothing like those other horrible religions that do harm. Seriously though, we can’t honestly believe this, right? Are we so far removed from history that we’ve forgotten the horrors caused in the name of Christ? This is not to point a judgmental finger towards Christianity, all religions have followers who use their distorted beliefs as justification for atrocities, but it is to point our focus towards the broader picture. Denying Christianity’s evil side, as it were, seems only to lead to the weakening of a Christian’s actual witness. Any and all religions have one major ingredient in common…humans. And like anything else that humans are even remotely involved in, there will be beautiful potential for good and a shocking potential for evil.

Last week, I met a charming old man from Egypt. As I worked, we talked and laughed about nothing in particular; from start to finish we spent, perhaps, only ten minutes together. I’m quite sure we’ll never meet again, but before he left, he reached up and grabbed my hand across the counter. As he looked directly into my eyes, he said, “Thank you for being kind. I don’t get that from many people.” Then he turned and walked away. The intense look in his eyes is still with me. This story is not to say that I did anything noteworthy, for I don’t think I did, but it serves as a dramatic reminder to me: Kindness makes a difference. As the Dalai Lama has said, “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” I will never know this man’s background, his experiences, his religion, his views, but it seems that for a simple moment, I touched his life in a way that I’ll never fully comprehend. At that moment, there was no religion, there was only human interaction. Choices and the intentions of the heart make moments beautiful or harmful—whatever label is designated to the individual by society.

My parents are kind, compassionate, loving Christians, but had we been born in India, there’s a good chance that they would be kind, compassionate, loving Hindus, although I cannot know this for sure. My parents and others that I know, give Christianity a good name. I also know several Muslims, Buddhists, and Atheists who give their respective worldviews good names. Sadly, the opposite can be said as well. Having worked in the dark side/politics of Christianity as a minister, I’ve seen and experienced the ugly potential for harm that lies within the Church walls. It is the individual and personal choices that make the difference.

As the President said in his speech, “…we are summoned to push back against those who try to distort our religion—any religion—for their own nihilistic ends.  And here at home and around the world, we will constantly reaffirm that fundamental freedom—freedom of religion—the right to practice our faith how we choose, to change our faith if we choose, to practice no faith at all if we choose, and to do so free of persecution and fear and discrimination.” I have chosen a different path other than religion, but I do not think it beneficial to force you to walk the same path I have chosen. We must all have the freedom of our own journey, and we must be faithful to that freedom for others. The vast majority of all peoples desires peace; may this desire bind us together as we focus on our commonalities and learn to better coexist. 

I am grateful to be gay

Recently, referring to being gay, I heard someone say, "I wouldn't wish this on anyone," and it sent me pondering this phrase in the context of my life thus far. I've heard this several times, and most often I think it has come from those who have been dealt a difficult hand as it pertains to the process of coming out. I don't pretend to have experienced much hatred or harm due to my coming out; I am grateful for this fact, so this pondering is with the acknowledgement of being spared such heartbreak that many others have suffered at the hands of the ignorant, misinformed, or mean-spirited. 

There were several stages to my self-discovery.  After coming out to myself, there were many, many , MANY bouts of struggle within. I was not a teen with my whole life ahead of me. I was already in my 30s, and I really questioned whether coming out was the best decision for me to make at such a time. I liked my life; did I really want to rock this boat? On the other hand, did I want to silence this very real part of me forever?

I think I've mentioned this before, but part of my hesitation was simply pride, sadly so. All those years of knowing that people around me were wondering this very thing about me, as I tried so desperately to pretend I wasn't this way...it was the giant rainbow colored elephant in the room. Secretly, I know many feared I was gay, people told me this after I came out; hell, I secretly feared I was gay, so we were on the same page of that book!

Months of searching and serious questioning brought me to this one cornerstone conclusion....I wouldn't want anyone in my family or in my life to be afraid of being exactly who they were around me, so I should be honest enough with myself and with them to live in this same manner. I had said it so many times: just be who you are; it was time I lived these words by example. 

Most of you know how my life has changed since making that decision. You also know that some have decided not to include me or my wife in their lives, but most have shown me the love I had always trusted, and they have extended that beautiful love that I have known to my wonderful wife. For this I am also grateful. If you have spent any amount of time with us in the past few years you realize that I have reached a happiness beyond all I knew existed. 

Turning this back to the topic at hand, I ask myself would I wish this--my life, my journey, my gayness--on someone? It has not been without its hurtful moments, but isn't that true of all our lives? Perhaps the more appropriate question I would choose to ask is: do I want such a peace and happiness that I now enjoy for everyone? Without hesitation, yes! Most definitely, yes!

I have no way of seeing how my life would have played out had I not made that choice to come out, but I can't imagine not waking up beside the most mesmerizing person in this world, not spending hours talking to her about anything and everything, or not walking this thing called life with the one soul that gets me more than anyone else. (She knows me, yet has still decided to keep me--how did I get so lucky?) 

Had my life turned out differently, I believe I would have still been happy that I came out. Even before M- entered the stage, the heaviness that was lifted out of my soul during the process of coming out was a most rewarding experience. My life suddenly and completely made sense--a feeling I had not known before that time. This level of personal contentment I wish for everyone--for those I love, for those who are hurting, and even for those who so sadly wish to destroy this beautiful life. I am extremely grateful for the stages of my journey that have made me who I am today. I am happy to be ever-so-happily me; I am grateful to be gay. 

I wish peace for you today. I wish a lightness of heart for those of you carrying around a burden, known or unknown. We are all in this together and if there is ever anything I can do for you, I am here. Let's make this world better for those who come after.

Frustrations and Journeys

I’ve been a bit frustrated lately. I had thought to wait until my frustration settles, but sometimes this settling comes through writing, so I choose to write. I am normally a very optimistic and hopeful person, but at certain times, mindsets of our times threaten to overwhelm me. More specifically, those in the spotlight who tend to use the vulnerability of those who will listen, because they have realized the art of manipulation and fear mongering. At the same time, I must realize my hypocrisy to some extent; since I left religion to explore life in all its facets, I have tried to advocate for the right of others to live their own journey. At times, in my frustration, I lose patience with this stance.

I think of this often: if the me of today had come from the now to speak to the me of twelve years ago, I would have panicked and run away with my fingers in my ears. I simply wasn’t ready to walk this path although events were already lining up towards this end. Journeys are like that—deeply personal to a large degree. I was still desperately trying to understand myself, figure out my beliefs and disbeliefs, and sift through the confusing teachings and conflicting feelings that swirled within.

As I’ve said before, my thoughts have evolved, much like many others. This is not to imply that my way of thinking is higher than another who might still disagree with me, it is just different. I’ve spent hours researching, contemplating, and wrestling through the unlearning process I undertook as I left religion. I’ve come to believe that one of the most dangerous aspects of religion(s) is the art of teaching its followers what to think instead of how to think. Many in religion might disagree with this, but from my own experience this has been true. (*and as a side note, I must thank my parents for instilling the notion within me to follow my gut and my heart in matters of life.)

In religion, we are often told what to think about everything: gays, abortions, other religions, and life in general. While based on Scripture, in many cases, it is the personal interpretation of such Scripture, by those held in high regard as God’s handpicked teachers and leaders, that comes across as the truth—and most often as the absolute truth. Doubting and questioning is seen as negative or at best a sign of immaturity. I know this, too, from my own experience. This viewpoint twisted my own mind against me for many years—the problem is me; if I just knew more, I would see that they were right, my doubts and questions would disappear, and I would stop struggling to believe. After I was booted out, quite abruptly and literally, I still continued to follow this mentality. My plan was to figure out where I’d gone wrong. It was only after I had nothing else to lose that I began to honestly investigate Scripture for myself. This was ultimately the very thing that awakened me. I realized the moldable-nature of Scripture that leads to its manipulation by the institution of religion. After much struggle with myself, I had to acknowledge that selective pickings will back up almost anything and everything.

Once I allowed myself to explore the questions I’d held for so long, I inadvertently freed myself from within. I was able to love myself and embrace the fact that I was gay. I was able to understand that while I firmly believe there should be fewer abortions, it is not my place to tell another woman how she should feel or respond to an unwanted pregnancy. Other religions are not the followers of Satan I once thought them to be. The fact is this: most of us in this life are looking to live a happy life, free from want and fear, and we’re figuring this thing out as we go.

But herein lies my hypocrisy at times.  In my frustration, I become impatient; I forget that we all must walk our own journey. I get frustrated when someone deems me a baby-killer, because I think the issue of abortion is much more complicated than teaching a failed abstinence program that most will admit is a farce. I get frustrated when people don’t value my marriage and consider it inferior to theirs even though our love is the strongest, most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced. Gratefully, though, I eventually see the error of my ways and, after I calm these frustrations, I can usually wish people peace on their own journey. They are not the they, because I firmly believe that we are all us, and I commit myself once again to the reconcilable belief that we are all in this thing together.

Live your life; walk your journey; be at peace.

Namaste

Pronouns

I love my wife

“Bravo!” you exclaim
Accolades turn sour
As pronouns reveal
I am also a wife.

My first response
To bristle
I then regret
The unkindness of my tone
In response to lack of understanding.

I am saddened.
You see
You may never know
The laughter we share
The passion for life we exuberate.

You may never know her stories
Her resilience, adventures, pains.
You may miss her impartation
Of kindness into your soul.

He has a husband.
I have a wife.
Why so put off
By a simple display of affection?
Are pronouns so intimidating?

It is time we change this maddening world

And learn to love above all else.
If I love her and she loves me,
And he loves him and he loves he,
Love is in bloom.

The
world
is
made
brighter.

~kcasey

It is time. Peace to you.

One Wonderful Year of Marriage

One year ago today, we were married. With the uncles as witnesses, and a beautiful snow falling, we made our way to the courthouse that Friday morning. I was as excited as I've ever been in my entire life.

First, I never thought I'd actually say that phrase in any context. Actually, both of us were pretty much set on not saying that phrase, and we were both mutually content with that decision until us came into existence.  No offense to my married friends, but the concept never seemed all that appealing to me to be frank. I was happy being an independent gypsy soul and so was M-. Now we are all the more happy being independent gypsy souls exploring this great big world...together.

Second, we now live in a state--and slowly a country--where we can actually say that phrase. There's been great progress towards equality this year. We weren't any more committed, happy, or in love on January 11, then we were on January 9, but I had never realized the impact of actually denying someone their right to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness, until I came out. Shame on me, for I had fallen into the trap of if it doesn't affect me it's not that important. Our marriage does not cause hurricanes or natural disasters, but it does gives me great peace of mind, legally, concerning our future pursuit of happiness. 

Third, It seems like yesterday and it seems like lifetimes. I've not known someone who gets me like M-. Period. We are connected in such a manner that is actually quite comical at times. We've had to start asking the other before we do certain things. For example, I've lost track of how many times we've both gone to the store on the same day and picked up the same thing....or done odd things around the house--on the same day--such as turning the mattress or cleaning the fridge. (we've done this more than a couple of times, which is hilarious when you think of it...) Our little lucky bamboo has been watered twice on the same day so many times that we've lost count. Luckily it is resilient and forgiving. 

Life has thrown me some unexpecteds along the way, as life normally does, but none compare to the joy of this unexpected force of nature that exploded into my life like fireworks in the dark of night. The glimmer in my eye? Yeah, that's her.

As we continue towards equality, I will strive to be more aware of the needs of others. Just because something doesn't affect me, does not mean it is not important and worthy of contemplation and change. We all deserve the right to pursue a happy and peaceful life; we all deserve to love and be loved in a healthy fashion ultimately adding to the collective peace and love in our world. I think we can all agree we need more of that in these days of unrest and violence. As I'll continue to say, we are all in this thing called life together. Happy Anniversary, M-, I love you more each day. Yeah, you're stuck with me.

The Tattoo

Even as the first sting registered in my brain, I felt free. With each continued pierce, it felt more like an uncovering of something locked deep within my soul than an adding of foreign material under a thin layer of epidermis.

At this point, I was yet to come out, but this was a definitive line in the sands of life. I didn't yet trust myself; how could I? I was still slowly getting to know me! In many ways, I was a stranger to my own mind, but yet I was one of those strangers you meet and want to know instantly. I admired this stranger. She had a courage I did not possess, a courage for which I'd been longing.

Each aspect of this tattoo had been specifically chosen. A fleur de lis for two reasons, one to mark the city where the awakening had begun, Louisville, Kentucky of all places, and the second marked my fascination with France. The second reason, I think, served as a cover up for the first until I was ready to reveal myself to the world. It took over a year after the tattoo experience to find that nerve. Ironically, it was on the day I left to study in France. More ironic still, and surprising even to me, was the fact that I fell madly in love with my wife in France that very summer.

The second aspect was the color. Blue and yellow. The colors of the Human Rights Campaign, actually, although many people mistook it for the New Orleans Saints logo; even my father thought it was a cool Boy Scouts emblem! (I still wonder about that one.) After I came out to myself I found it difficult to answer a persistent question: now what?! Simply put, I began to read and research what I was! What do I do now that I know I'm gay? Is it actually worth coming out? Do I want to risk my happy life on such uncertainty? I was unsure of the stance I wanted to take in all of this, and it took quite a long time to figure these things out. During this time, it was of great comfort to me in realizing there was an organization, many actually, working endlessly to make this world a better place for people like me. This made me happy and put my mind more at ease. 

The tattoo artist worked his magic on my left arm, sort of a traditional place for classic tattoos, I guess. Even the placement of this tattoo had reasons, two reasons actually. First, I am very left-handed. I was born that way. I was discovering that it was much the same way with being gay. I had a second grade teacher that had tried to make me right-handed, similar to the years I had spent trying to make myself straight.  I was born left-handed…and gay, and this was okay, or at least I was working towards okay. Second, my dad is one of my heroes. He has the remnants of an old tattoo he got back in the army on his arm, and it has always fascinated me.

 As my thoughts caught back up with the painful, yet extremely satisfying artwork that was taking shape, I felt a new level of excitement. Even though I still held such doubts concerning who I was and where I was going from here, I was turning a new page in my life. This was a symbolic gesture of letting go of the past and embracing a newness of life—a newness that still frightened me at this point, but one I knew I would regret not embracing. As I sat in the studio, a courage was slowly arising within. To this day, that courage has served me well; it has taken me to heights of peace and happiness, beyond my previous comprehension. I think often of this symbolic moment in my life, and I am grateful for the strength I found inside to embrace myself fully and the passion I now hold to encourage others to do the same.

There is peace and happiness to be found in your journey; we choose when it begins.

Long before Elsa there was….Pop.

Two years ago, as we sat at the farm, M- was expressing her dissatisfaction with a 92% in a particular class. Pop has had quite a bit of experience dealing with perfectionism; he’s experienced Mom’s disappointment with college grades that would make many other college students weep with sheer joy. (And I might add: Mom finished her degree with a 4.0 even while working full-time and somehow keeping the Wimberley clan functioning. Go Mom!) This conversation was no different; his calm answer was such a typical Pop thing to say. He simply stated, with a gleam in his eye, “M-, it’s time to just let it go.” Because of his rather dramatic delivery of the message, and the swooshing of his hand as he emphasized those last three words, the room exploded into laughter. Once again, as many times before, Pop had spoken his simple wisdom into our lives—in the loving, comical manner that I will always cherish.

Let. It. Go. is now a regular mantra in our tiny space, as it was in my childhood home. There’s a great deal of wisdom packed into that little phrase! We often say it with laughter as we remember Pop’s dramatic performance on that particular day, but the mindset has served me well, as I’ve journeyed these last ten years towards the present. There are times in life, when our vision becomes clearer, and we see the things that are holding us back. These times are, all at once, the scariest and most freeing moments that we face. As I let go of religion, I was completely unsure of the outcome; I just knew I must follow my instincts concerning the truth for which I was searching. As I journeyed, ever so cautiously, out of the closet, I had to let go of people’s opinions and years of bad teaching, and learn to love me for me. Both were notably, the scariest events I’ve experienced thus far, but both were equally rewarding and joyous, as I began to rest in the peace and contentment that followed as I let go.

Our journeys are all unique, but we all face similar obstacles. We all face issues that hold us back; and just as I faced with religion and sexuality, life presents us with choices as we evolve and grow. We leave things as they are or we let go. We all know the definition of insanity that has been attributed to Einstein: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. My choice was difficult and it didn’t happen overnight, but I came to see that I wanted more out of this life than what my present situation could offer. I was quite intimidated by the uncertainty ahead, but I knew that leaving things as they were was no longer an option if I wanted more out of life.

My encouragement for all of us this brand new year of 2015 would be to let go of those things in our life that are holding us back, down, stuck. What is keeping us from living a freer, more peaceful, productive, and happy life? Jobs that are unsatisfying, toxic relationships, tiring habits, people’s opinions? Our own lists usually pop into our heads uninvited when we have conversations such as these. Remember: you are not alone; we really are all in this thing together. As Pop, and Elsa, would say: let this year be the year you just let it go.