I am grateful to be gay

Recently, referring to being gay, I heard someone say, "I wouldn't wish this on anyone," and it sent me pondering this phrase in the context of my life thus far. I've heard this several times, and most often I think it has come from those who have been dealt a difficult hand as it pertains to the process of coming out. I don't pretend to have experienced much hatred or harm due to my coming out; I am grateful for this fact, so this pondering is with the acknowledgement of being spared such heartbreak that many others have suffered at the hands of the ignorant, misinformed, or mean-spirited. 

There were several stages to my self-discovery.  After coming out to myself, there were many, many , MANY bouts of struggle within. I was not a teen with my whole life ahead of me. I was already in my 30s, and I really questioned whether coming out was the best decision for me to make at such a time. I liked my life; did I really want to rock this boat? On the other hand, did I want to silence this very real part of me forever?

I think I've mentioned this before, but part of my hesitation was simply pride, sadly so. All those years of knowing that people around me were wondering this very thing about me, as I tried so desperately to pretend I wasn't this way...it was the giant rainbow colored elephant in the room. Secretly, I know many feared I was gay, people told me this after I came out; hell, I secretly feared I was gay, so we were on the same page of that book!

Months of searching and serious questioning brought me to this one cornerstone conclusion....I wouldn't want anyone in my family or in my life to be afraid of being exactly who they were around me, so I should be honest enough with myself and with them to live in this same manner. I had said it so many times: just be who you are; it was time I lived these words by example. 

Most of you know how my life has changed since making that decision. You also know that some have decided not to include me or my wife in their lives, but most have shown me the love I had always trusted, and they have extended that beautiful love that I have known to my wonderful wife. For this I am also grateful. If you have spent any amount of time with us in the past few years you realize that I have reached a happiness beyond all I knew existed. 

Turning this back to the topic at hand, I ask myself would I wish this--my life, my journey, my gayness--on someone? It has not been without its hurtful moments, but isn't that true of all our lives? Perhaps the more appropriate question I would choose to ask is: do I want such a peace and happiness that I now enjoy for everyone? Without hesitation, yes! Most definitely, yes!

I have no way of seeing how my life would have played out had I not made that choice to come out, but I can't imagine not waking up beside the most mesmerizing person in this world, not spending hours talking to her about anything and everything, or not walking this thing called life with the one soul that gets me more than anyone else. (She knows me, yet has still decided to keep me--how did I get so lucky?) 

Had my life turned out differently, I believe I would have still been happy that I came out. Even before M- entered the stage, the heaviness that was lifted out of my soul during the process of coming out was a most rewarding experience. My life suddenly and completely made sense--a feeling I had not known before that time. This level of personal contentment I wish for everyone--for those I love, for those who are hurting, and even for those who so sadly wish to destroy this beautiful life. I am extremely grateful for the stages of my journey that have made me who I am today. I am happy to be ever-so-happily me; I am grateful to be gay. 

I wish peace for you today. I wish a lightness of heart for those of you carrying around a burden, known or unknown. We are all in this together and if there is ever anything I can do for you, I am here. Let's make this world better for those who come after.