"Do Something"

Yesterday, as I was sitting on the beach, my first day of vacation, with my toes in the sand next to the love of my life, I began to think about my journey to this very day. In comparison to the frustrated, directionless, crushed individual I was eleven years ago…well, there really is no comparison.

The journey is still something of a wonderment to me, and I will openly admit I had no idea where I was headed, but I just remember thinking I can’t stay here. By here I didn’t mean a physical location, although I did end up relocating eventually. I was stuck and frozen with panic. By here I meant in the place that was suffocating me.

My dad has a saying: “Do something, even if it’s wrong.” He’s a bit of a guru if you ask me, because that’s the mentality that motivated my first few steps. I had no idea where I was going or what I was doing, but I knew staying in the place of darkness was certain death to my soul.  I had to do something, even if it was wrong.

Now obviously this was not a father’s encouragement for his daughter to pursue bank robbery as an occupation; hopefully, you get the meaning behind the message. When life as we know it comes to a screeching halt, it is difficult to get it going again. To stay stuck was to let the situation drain all the life out of me, and I wasn’t going to give anyone the satisfaction of saying they’d destroyed my life.

My first few steps were wobbly. I was bobbing and weaving all over the place, but I was moving, albeit slowly. Life was slowly coming back to me. When I would catch myself falling back into those places of panic, I would make great effort to change my frame of mind, my situation, and my mood.

I still didn’t know where I was going, and I still didn’t really have a goal other than just not here, but I slowly began to realize that these steps were leading me away from self-pity, anger, and negativity. Buddhism has taught me that it’s okay to acknowledge and accept that life isn’t fair, but self-pity, anger, and negativity are nasty beasts by which to be bitten. They do not lead to a healthy life.

As I kept walking (or kept swimming if you ask Dory) I began to regain my focus. I realized I had a voice, I began to see the world with compassion, and I figured out where I wanted to go. It didn’t come quickly, but I learned to be purposeful in my doings. If I caught myself replaying conversations or situations from the past, I would change the topic in my head. I learned to force my mind to stay in safe places.

Life isn’t very fair, and sometimes, quite frankly, it just downright sucks, but it is life and it is always changing. If you find yourself stuck, do something, anything, big or small, to break the cycle that keeps pulling you under. Refuse to let pain, disappointment, or hurt define who you are and where you’ll go. If you’re not sure of your destination, at least move from where you no longer want a permanent address. Life in transit is an okay place to be for a time. Just let yourself be there. Don’t panic, just keep swimming. At least you’ll be moving and life will begin to flow again.