Being Me - My Hurdles to Coming Out

There is a certain risk that comes with being ones' self. For me, I weighed my options of coming out for almost a year. I had told one trustworthy friend, three thousand miles away, and I didn't know how to take that next step. I didn't know if I had it in me. I wasn't young; I had settled myself, and happily so, with a single, independent life; my present bliss wasn't even a remote possibility in my mind. Quite honestly, I didn't know if it would be worth the hassle. My family and friends were comfortable with this me, and I wasn't sure that I wanted to rock the boat we were all travelling in.

After hours of reflection, and reading, and thinking, and wondering, and imagining, I knew that I had to come out. Those hours of contemplation covered many topics. Honestly, I had to deal with my pride, and I have to admit that pride was a formidable obstacle in coming out. The ever plaguing question of what will people say? There were some who would see my coming out as a failure. I had to struggle through the acknowledgement that, though these people were no longer in my life for very good reasons, I didn't want to be considered a failure. I broke through this obstacle by honestly evaluating the reasons they were no longer in my life, and I had to come to the conclusion that my peace meant more to me than what they might say about me ever.

Also, even though I’d become okay with who I was, I had to wade through the condemning thoughts still lingering from faulty teachings and misguided information. Just coming to terms with being gay, doesn't silence years of rubbish. I had to break through the obstacle that told me something was wrong with me. You see, I’d already come to the conclusion in my heart that this was who I was, but my head kept replaying all of the illogical arguments that condemned the gay, and I’d heard them for years. 

The third hurdle I had to jump was the fact that it was okay to choose to be happy. I reached a new understanding one day: if the only way I can keep people in my life is by hiding who I really am, then I don’t really want those type of people in my life! I thought of my family; I would never want any of them to hide who they were from me because they thought I would not love them. If my love is that fickle then is it really love?

The choice was clear; I had to come out. I had to come out for me and I had to come out for others who are struggling and scared inside a very lonely closet. I did not know who would stay and who would go in my life, but I had to take the chance. Did it hurt like hell when some decided to walk out of my life? More than you'll ever know, but I've not once regretted the decision. I broke free the day I came out. There is no other way to describe it. Now, when I awake beside this Love I now call home, I realize what I would have missed out on, if I’d made the decision to keep quiet. When I think of the beautiful life that almost wasn't, it motivates to speak out.