Our Agenda

I heard someone mention "the gay agenda" this week. (I was waiting for the Adam and Steve joke to follow) After I realized that I had not been sucked up into a time machine and whisked back to the 70s, I was amused, but a bit saddened. I found myself wondering if the person who spoke these words actually believed them to be true, or if they were just regurgitating talking points as I had done for so many years. I found myself asking, aren't we past this yet?

Growing up, I heard about the gay agenda, although I admittedly never saw it in action. (I've also never seen a unicorn.) It carried a similar level of fear as the the bubonic plague. Not knowing any better and trying so hard to be straight, I was perplexed by this secret agenda. What were they trying to do? Why were they trying to do it? I find a small amount of amusement in this now. I look at our [beautiful] life, and see how utterly agenda-less and boring it might seem to a random outsider, and I just have to laugh.

When will we learn that equality equals a better society for all of us, not just gays and other minorities? I'll put your mind to rest; there is no gay agenda besides being allowed to live and and love in peace. The only agenda in my life is centered upon loving my wife, being happy and fulfilled, doing a bit of traveling, remembering to buy eggs on my way home from work, and living as a productive member of society as we work towards peace. Our Monday agenda is to get through the week. Our Friday night agenda, providing we can stay awake after our long week, usually includes a glass of wine and a movie or perhaps a game of scrabble; more often than not, we end up crashed out on the couch like the old married couple we seem to be. (I shocked a customer last week by telling them we don't own a television--we just prefer our simple life.)

Our future plans don’t consist of world domination, but of a house with a small balcony, fresh grown herbs, and summers in southern France. This sounds frighteningly similar to many other married couples, no matter what the sexual make-up. Imagine that. And meanwhile, we are totally happy in the center of our somewhat boring, agenda-less life. That is not to say we don’t attend rallies, volunteer at local LGBTQ organizations, and post pointed messages on social media concerning issues that are important to us, but there is no gay agenda to someday rule the world, turn everyone gay, and drag everyone to hell in our own personal hand-basket. (besides, I’m horrible at basket weaving) This is just silly thinking, and we’d all be better off if we could get past these ideas and work together towards peace. 

How is this for an agenda? I want to be able to say I left this place better than I found it. I want fewer people in poverty, I want more children enabled with a solid education and food in their bellies as they drift off to sleep; I want less human trafficking and an end to child pornography, and I want someone whose life doesn’t fit the status quo to be able to live his/her life in a way that brings them peace, happiness and fulfillment. If this sounds like an agenda you can agree with, feel free to jump on my band wagon, there’s always room for more.

I love you, but....

There is a new video that has surfaced showing a young man's conversation with three (I think) of his family members. The young man was apparently wearing a hidden camera of some sort.  It is disturbing, to say the least, and saddening, and sickening. I want to find this young man, hug him tightly, and tell him not to believe that he is a "disgrace," as his father describes him.

Wow. There are so many lgbt sons and daughters who face this type of humiliation and abuse. (For that matter, there are also so many of our sons and daughters around the world that face this type of abuse and this should give us all pause.) If you have the stomach to watch this video, think about the emotional rubbish this young man has had to muddle through on a regular basis. Growing up is a tough act, in my opinion, but add to this the factors that lie behind this video, and it paints a struggle that is beyond words. And this even in a country that boasts a fair amount of tolerance and acceptance (although we have a long way to go); imagine those lgbt youth in countries that still support the death penalty for simply being gay. I cannot. Inexcusable. 

Although I did not come out until I was older, and I have felt the cold shoulders of some who are misguided in their beliefs, I simply cannot imagine feeling this level of rejection from family. Those who are supposed to be there cheering you on in your life, but who suddenly turn on you like a pack of wild dogs. (kind of literally in the case of this video!) Cold shoulders and noses turned up in judgement are nothing compared to the violence and viciousness that face many, far too many, lgbt youth.

Long before I came out, and quite separate from the inner struggle I faced with my own fear of not being straight, a young man once told me that he'd tried everything he could think of to make himself not gay. Coming out, was a last resort, in the truest sense of the word, in an effort to find some sort of peace in his life. He faced hell, humiliation, and rejection. It is this incident that began my investigation of what I'd been taught about homosexuality. (My second stepping stone, as I describe in the book) The turmoil and desperation I saw within these young eyes has stayed with me even to this day. It spurred one simple question that needed an answer. Why would anyone choose this? Hours of study and contemplation led me to understand that this is not a choice; later even still, this allowed me to reach a point of honesty within myself allowing me to be freely and peaceably me.

The anger that my life (and yes, I do take it personally) stirs up in people puzzles me. Why does it frighten people so? Even if you want to stand firm on the Word of God, as the mother does in the video, why is it this particular topic that is honed in on? I can think of many topics that are mentioned much more frequently and are not nearly as ambiguously interpreted. And also, as this mother exemplifies, actions do speak louder than words, and the preface of I love you, but does not negate mean spirited words and actions.

This will not happen often on this blog, but I leave you with a Scripture to contemplate; I have left it fully intact, so as to not distort the context. Don't skim. Read it slowly, even if you know it well: 

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 

If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 

For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (I Cor. 13)

May we all find our peace and help each other along the way.

Being Me - My Hurdles to Coming Out

There is a certain risk that comes with being ones' self. For me, I weighed my options of coming out for almost a year. I had told one trustworthy friend, three thousand miles away, and I didn't know how to take that next step. I didn't know if I had it in me. I wasn't young; I had settled myself, and happily so, with a single, independent life; my present bliss wasn't even a remote possibility in my mind. Quite honestly, I didn't know if it would be worth the hassle. My family and friends were comfortable with this me, and I wasn't sure that I wanted to rock the boat we were all travelling in.

After hours of reflection, and reading, and thinking, and wondering, and imagining, I knew that I had to come out. Those hours of contemplation covered many topics. Honestly, I had to deal with my pride, and I have to admit that pride was a formidable obstacle in coming out. The ever plaguing question of what will people say? There were some who would see my coming out as a failure. I had to struggle through the acknowledgement that, though these people were no longer in my life for very good reasons, I didn't want to be considered a failure. I broke through this obstacle by honestly evaluating the reasons they were no longer in my life, and I had to come to the conclusion that my peace meant more to me than what they might say about me ever.

Also, even though I’d become okay with who I was, I had to wade through the condemning thoughts still lingering from faulty teachings and misguided information. Just coming to terms with being gay, doesn't silence years of rubbish. I had to break through the obstacle that told me something was wrong with me. You see, I’d already come to the conclusion in my heart that this was who I was, but my head kept replaying all of the illogical arguments that condemned the gay, and I’d heard them for years. 

The third hurdle I had to jump was the fact that it was okay to choose to be happy. I reached a new understanding one day: if the only way I can keep people in my life is by hiding who I really am, then I don’t really want those type of people in my life! I thought of my family; I would never want any of them to hide who they were from me because they thought I would not love them. If my love is that fickle then is it really love?

The choice was clear; I had to come out. I had to come out for me and I had to come out for others who are struggling and scared inside a very lonely closet. I did not know who would stay and who would go in my life, but I had to take the chance. Did it hurt like hell when some decided to walk out of my life? More than you'll ever know, but I've not once regretted the decision. I broke free the day I came out. There is no other way to describe it. Now, when I awake beside this Love I now call home, I realize what I would have missed out on, if I’d made the decision to keep quiet. When I think of the beautiful life that almost wasn't, it motivates to speak out.

Us and us

In preparing for my transfer (to a closer-to-home store) I wanted to make sure that a few of my customers found out from me, personally. I had wondered how many of these pleasant souls were aware of the fact that their presence throughout my day makes all the difference in the world sometimes. All of them are regulars, if not every day, at least four times per week. They stand in front of my bar, with a smile and pleasant tone of voice, as they wait, (and often wait and wait and wait) for me to make their drink. We talk about everything from sick kids to soccer to global warming to international affairs, and they are truly the bright spots in my always busy, often hectic, sometimes downright chaotic, days at work.

I am acutely aware of how these regulars brighten my day, but I guess I often forget that I do the same for them. One customer, who always has a particularly encouraging manner, and who also shares my love of soccer, told me that he had been “bummed out” when I told him I was transferring the day before. Unbeknownst to me, he had had several particularly difficult days over the past few months and he told me that his brief encounters/chats with me as I made his drink had helped him through those days.

What a beautiful reminder. The people I encounter and who encounter me, will most often walk away feeling something no matter how small the encounter. Perhaps it can be neutral, but more often than not, the tone of our days are either brightened or smudged, and in turn, our actions and words either brighten or smudge someone else’s day life.

It has made me think on the ethic of reciprocity. Think of how many belief systems are in this world. (A web search on this topic will completely overwhelm your brain) Most, if not all, have some sort of do unto others clause. Some of my favorite versions:

• All things are our relatives; what we do to everything, we do to ourselves. All is really One." Black Elk (Native American Spirituality)
• The law imprinted on the hearts of all men is to love the members of society as themselves. (Roman Pagan Religion)
• An it harm no one, do what thou wilt. (The Wiccan Rede)
• Whatever is disagreeable to yourself do not do unto others.  Shayast-na-Shayast 13:29 (Zoroastrianism)
• Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful. Udana-Varga 5:18 (Buddhism)
• Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets. Matthew 7:12 (Christianity)
• Tse-kung asked, 'Is there one word that can serve as a principle of conduct for life?' Confucius replied, 'It is the word 'shu' -- reciprocity. Do not impose on others what you yourself do not desire.' Doctrine of the Mean 13.3 (Confucianism)
• This is the sum of duty: do not do to others what would cause pain if done to you. Mahabharata 5:1517 (Hinduism)

We could talk all day about our human failures in this arena, or our personal exception clauses that we tack on for our own convenience, (gay, foreigner, non-believer, etc) but this concept is the essence of a peace-filled world. This is not a religious thing, it is a human thing. Whether we like it or not, we are in this thing together. My mom used to tell us something similar when we would argue as kids. “Whether you like it or not, we’re a family, and we will get along in this house.” It's the same thing on a larger scale. (Except there's no tough mom to make us sit on the couch until we agree to hug each other) If we hurt one another, we are hurting the whole, which in turn is hurting us for we are a part of that whole. We need to get this. We must get this if we are going to survive on this planet together. Recent events in Ferguson, Gaza, Iraq, and everyday Main Street should serve as a mirror for us. We need to look long and hard at who we are becoming. There is no us and them; this is a deceptive illusion. There is only us and...us. 

*This list and many other wonderful topics of discussion can be found at ReligiousTolerance.org.

My Stepping Stone of Buddhism

In talking with a co-worker today, I recalled what a beautiful role Buddhism has played in my journey towards peace. I've come to cherish many of the concepts I've learned within this way of life. It was a refreshing view of the world around me, a way of looking at myself without the tainted lens of guilt and condemnation, and the permission to live in the present moment and just be.

As I first began to acknowledge (to myself) my doubts in God, I found great insight and wisdom in the teachings of Buddhism. I didn't know much about Buddhism, but an incident in my second semester of university led me to begin my investigation. In a World Religions course, my professor mentioned the dates of Buddha's, Siddhārtha Gautama, life (c. 563 - 483 BCE) and a light went off in my brain.

Now, this may seem a no-brainer, but we'd always been taught that all other forms of religion were counterfeit of the one Truth--which we just happened to hold. Counterfeits, by all normal accounts, should come after the original, wouldn't you say? As I pondered those dates, I realized, again, that I needed to investigate another aspect of my belief system and what I'd been taught about other belief systems. And that's exactly what I did. This was the last class of my week and I spent that weekend learning and unlearning many, many things.

As I continue to investigate, I finally stumbled upon the teachings of Pema Chodron. Seeing that my head was still reeling from being out on my ass from the ministry, Pema Chodron's book, When Things Fall Apart, was written for me from start to finish. Within those pages, parts of me began to....awaken, to borrow a Buddhist term. 

"The most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.” 

As these days of searching continued, I would slowly find myself mustering up the courage to do just that--take a good, hard, terrifying, honest, and gentle look at myself and my beliefs and allow myself to discover who I really was and who I wanted to be. These were such beautiful days; my soul had finally found a path towards peace. These were the words I needed to hear in the moment.

If you should ever want a recommendation, Chodron's book ranks high on my list as does Hahn's Good Citizen. Whatever your spiritual state or belief system, I think you'd find great benefit in both of these. I'll leave you with one last piece of goodness:

“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy." 

Just breath and let yourself be. Namaste!

Come Thou Fount

Sunday mornings are simply beautiful. I wake up late, I try to cook up a spectacular breakfast, we drink a peaceful cup of coffee, catch up on the news, and we just take....our....time. Our tiny space in New York is situated within a short walk to several churches; throughout the morning we are serenaded by church bells. More often than not, they are hymns that I have known and still believe to be beautiful pieces of music.  Yesterday was no exception; Come Thou Fount filled the neighborhood and I was taken back to my fondness of this particular hymn and the emotions it once stirred within.

During my last few years of ministry, many of these hymns received a modernization, if you will, by many of the popular worship leaders/musicians of that time. Come Thou Fount  received a most beautiful "upgrade" by David Crowder Band. (beautiful in my humble opinion) We played it often on Sunday mornings. Here is a section of the lyrics: (emphasis is mine)

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;

Streams of mercy, never ceasing,

Call for songs of loudest praise.

Teach me some melodious sonnet,

Sung by flaming tongues above.

Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,

Mount of Thy redeeming love.

O to grace how great a debtor

Daily I'm constrained to be!

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,

Bind my wandering heart to Thee:

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

Prone to leave the God I love;

Here's my heart, O take and seal it;

Seal it for Thy courts above.

Yesterday, as this tune echoed throughout the neighborhood, I remembered how passionately I once sang this song. In Leaving God; Finding Me, I describe my struggle with doubt--my wandering heart, as it were--and I recalled the desperation within as I sang these lines above. I desired to be fixed. It was a bit of a frantic prayer to a God that I wasn't sure existed. I was convinced that the doubt I carried was some fault of mine. I'd done something wrong. Somewhere along the way I'd missed a key ingredient in my experience, and I just needed to figure out what I was missing in order to stop the constant stream of doubt. Lucky for me, that day never came. 

The Sunday morning church bells remind me just how much my life has changed in ten years. They remind me of the profound peace I now enjoy; they remind me of how happy I am to be honestly and fully me without the constant doubts and striving. My journey towards peace led me out of religion, but others have found their peace while staying in their religion. The important part of this thing called life is this honesty within one's own soul that allows for each journey to be experienced with an air of acceptance and understanding. When we allow each other the room to breath and walk the path within our hearts, we become stronger as a whole. 

A flashback moment -- Vicky Beeching comes out

Vicky Beeching. The name might not sound all that familiar to you, but when I saw her name in my news feed this week, my world paused…in a good way. She was a quick link back to my former days.

While there are many things I do not miss about the religious world, I sometimes miss the music and the worship times if I’m honest. Everyone has their thing that brings them peace and music has always been mine. During worship, I would be carried away, seemingly far from my cares, doubts, and misgivings, and my soul was comforted. Along with my role as youth minister, I spent a large portion of my ministry years on the worship team. I would throw myself into learning every single element of each song and play them with all the passion within on Sunday mornings.

Having placed distance between myself and those experiences, I now feel that it was the musical experience that was my refuge more than the act of worship. I have the same euphoric experience when I listen to The Phantom of the Opera, John Legend, and yes, even Idina Menzel’s Let It Go. (Don’t judge!) I am moved to the depths of my being by certain music and lyrics; I am moved by the raw emotion that lies within some songs.

What does this have to do with Vicky Beeching? In the height of my worship team career, Vicky Beeching was one of the songwriters leading the way out of England. She wrote touching songs about her relationship with God. Her songs held that element of honesty that moves me. In short, she was one of my favs.  This week, she came out publicly with a story that feels so familiar, yet is uniquely hers. She told of humiliating experiences as she tried to rid herself of this unwanted (thanks to rubbish teachings), bouts of self-hatred, and the toll that hiding one’s true self will eventually take on a soul.

I was quite surprised and I can imagine the surprise that is rippling through worship teams at this moment. The dilemma? Beeching penned many of the most popular songs sung in contemporary churches today. Through her lyrics she brought people to a side of God that is loving, forgiving, and kind. She is loved among many of the contemporary worship teams of today, but a portion of these Christians will feel the need to write her off because of her newly exposed life of sin. The boycott buzz is already 'buzzin'. But I see a bright side: another face within the Christian circle that is already known, loved, and respected has come out. With each new face, it becomes harder to justify the unfounded and, quite frankly, worn-out stance against homosexuality. Another soul has stood up to the illogical and misguided teachings within the Church and that soul has said, enough, I am through hiding who I am. She wants to be truly and freely herself as she continues to worship her God.

Bravo and peace to her and to all the other souls who are tired of hiding. Equality makes this a better world for us all.

Here is her story.