"Do Something"

Yesterday, as I was sitting on the beach, my first day of vacation, with my toes in the sand next to the love of my life, I began to think about my journey to this very day. In comparison to the frustrated, directionless, crushed individual I was eleven years ago…well, there really is no comparison.

The journey is still something of a wonderment to me, and I will openly admit I had no idea where I was headed, but I just remember thinking I can’t stay here. By here I didn’t mean a physical location, although I did end up relocating eventually. I was stuck and frozen with panic. By here I meant in the place that was suffocating me.

My dad has a saying: “Do something, even if it’s wrong.” He’s a bit of a guru if you ask me, because that’s the mentality that motivated my first few steps. I had no idea where I was going or what I was doing, but I knew staying in the place of darkness was certain death to my soul.  I had to do something, even if it was wrong.

Now obviously this was not a father’s encouragement for his daughter to pursue bank robbery as an occupation; hopefully, you get the meaning behind the message. When life as we know it comes to a screeching halt, it is difficult to get it going again. To stay stuck was to let the situation drain all the life out of me, and I wasn’t going to give anyone the satisfaction of saying they’d destroyed my life.

My first few steps were wobbly. I was bobbing and weaving all over the place, but I was moving, albeit slowly. Life was slowly coming back to me. When I would catch myself falling back into those places of panic, I would make great effort to change my frame of mind, my situation, and my mood.

I still didn’t know where I was going, and I still didn’t really have a goal other than just not here, but I slowly began to realize that these steps were leading me away from self-pity, anger, and negativity. Buddhism has taught me that it’s okay to acknowledge and accept that life isn’t fair, but self-pity, anger, and negativity are nasty beasts by which to be bitten. They do not lead to a healthy life.

As I kept walking (or kept swimming if you ask Dory) I began to regain my focus. I realized I had a voice, I began to see the world with compassion, and I figured out where I wanted to go. It didn’t come quickly, but I learned to be purposeful in my doings. If I caught myself replaying conversations or situations from the past, I would change the topic in my head. I learned to force my mind to stay in safe places.

Life isn’t very fair, and sometimes, quite frankly, it just downright sucks, but it is life and it is always changing. If you find yourself stuck, do something, anything, big or small, to break the cycle that keeps pulling you under. Refuse to let pain, disappointment, or hurt define who you are and where you’ll go. If you’re not sure of your destination, at least move from where you no longer want a permanent address. Life in transit is an okay place to be for a time. Just let yourself be there. Don’t panic, just keep swimming. At least you’ll be moving and life will begin to flow again.  

Updates

Hello to anyone and everyone!

It has been awhile, I know. I have been focused on two more edits of the memoir, and I'm happy to announce that it looks like it is nearing the next phase. Although I polish a little here and a little there with every re-read, I am so happy with the way it has turned out.

My next phase will be submission. I have a few LGBT publishing houses in mind that seem to be interested in memoirs, so I will start there. We'll see where this leads; I am in this for the long haul, so I will not stop until it is published!

As I read through the pages of the last edit,  I recalled the motivation of writing Leaving God; Finding Me in the first place. When I was younger, I would have given anything to have been able to hear someone's story--to know someone felt the feelings I felt. It would have made me feel less odd, less confused, less alone. There are far too many people today struggling with confusion over sexuality and/or religion. (I am constantly amazed at how often these two go hand in hand.)

My reason for writing is simple. To tell those who struggle, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are beautiful just the way you are; live your life, and be happy.

Whatever the outcome, I am so grateful for this journey. The future is bright and full of opportunities.

Peace!

Kindness

Let’s face it; we all have people in our lives that are harder to get along than others. And if we really want to be honest, we’ll admit that we might even be those people who are harder to get along with in someone else’s life.  Yes, I find it hard to believe that there might be someone in this world who doesn’t adore my sense of sarcasm or think my worldview is the greatest, but the small chance that there is that someone exists!

But in all honesty, there are times when kindness is difficult. I have been struggling with this in certain arenas of my life lately. I think most of us ultimately want to be kind, but we often struggle due to anger, frustration, or even hurt.

Someone said recently, “I let the other person set the tone; if they're rude, I will not waste my time being nice to them.”  Admittedly, this option is tempting, I've even chosen it in certain situations, but by choosing the reactionary way, we relinquish control over the situation; do we really want the rude, the obnoxious, the inconsiderate to be in control of human interactions?

There are times when I have honestly given it my best shot to change the tone of a situation with an impolite person, but failed. But on the other hand, there are times, when I have responded in calloused, reactionary ways that have left me truly disappointed with myself.

I’ve decided that kindness is not for the weak for it appears to be the more difficult choice.  This week, in one of the above situations, I have repeatedly told myself to err on the side of kindness, if I must err. It has taken quite an effort, and I have failed at times, but I am happier with myself when I aim towards kindness, rather than react to the unkindness of others. With this choice, I have peace of mind and a clearer conscience, which, in turn, deescalates tensions in the atmosphere and lets me go home at night and sleep at ease.

I’ll leave you with the Metta Bhavana; a mantra that I find particularly helpful in situations such as these:

May you be well

May you be happy

May you be peaceful

May you be filled with lovingkindness

***As is my life, this blog is a work in progress; my desire is to facilitate constructive and respectful conversations about life and our collective journey towards peace. It has become an obsession. Please add "your two cents worth" below, and feel free to share this blog. The more the merrier! Understanding ourselves helps us understand others; therefore bringing us one step closer to attaining peace.***

Happy "You Give Motherhood a Good Name" Day

I've been writing this particular post for a long time, probably all my life. The life gifts I've been given by both of my parents would take another lifetime to cover, but today, a day to honor those mothers who give motherhood a good name, I am drastically aware of how much I've been given in this life.

Mornings at the Wimberley household were simply not for the faint of heart---but in a good way. There was no easing into the new day; life hit the ground running. More often than not, I was awakened by my mother's singing as she went about her morning routine. If she wasn't singing, she would be praying for each of us aloud as she did the dishes, or having a conversation with pop as they drank their coffee. The mood was light and cheerful and peaceful; it was an inviting feeling.  

I am grateful to have never awakened in cold chaos or angry words. I cannot comprehend the feelings that must run through children who awake to and live in such an atmosphere. My heart breaks for them. It seems a bit of a taboo subject on such a day, but there are mothers who don't really give motherhood a good name--it's a shame and a concept I don't understand really...bringing children into this world, but then choosing not to cherishing these children for the absolute treasures that they are. Even sadder still, are those who move beyond giving motherhood a bad name and become monsters that cause damage in the lives of the young. 

 
Motherhood is not for the weak, this I know. It takes great amounts of strength, tears, sweat, wisdom, and probably Tylenol. As I look back on my childhood, I am grateful for the honest, compassionate upbringing I was given. My mom has always been a source of security and safety; even when we have not agreed on issues, I have never had to struggle through the feeling of being unloved. She has supported me in times that she could not necessarily agree with or support my decisions. (I am also grateful for the opportunities to fail--and fail I did, just ask me about living in Oklahoma!) While I could not predict my parents' exact response to my late coming out, I knew that they would not withhold their love and support from me as a person, as their daughter, and now I am even more grateful that this love and acceptance is beautifully extended to my wife. Love and acceptance were never bargaining chips in our family--and this made a drastic difference in my confidence level as I sat out to explore the world and myself. May many follow in her footsteps. Peace.

Happy Mom's Day, Mom, you give motherhood a good name!

We Gotta Give Em Hope

My friends used to say that it took me two hours to explain a one hour movie. I’m guessing I don’t have a future as a movie critic. This is not really a space for movie reviews, but I recently watched one of those movies that stay with you, if you know what I mean. This post is not about critiquing this movie (five stars) or even enticing you to watch it (which you should), but it is about the profound effect it had on me. Out in the Dark was a hard movie for me to watch—I paused it halfway through to get another glass of wine—I was on edge the entire time, but just knowing that there are people who face the issues that were brought to light in this movie, quite simply breaks my heart.

Out in the Dark

In a quick sentence, the movie was about a Palestinian (male) college student who falls in love with a young, Jewish (male) lawyer. That one sentence sets up more problems than most people will face in a lifetime, but these two young men face all of this and more. Like many others, living true to themselves meant putting their lives and their loved ones in danger. It is a cruel world that tells someone they must deny an innate part of themselves in order to live; sadly ironic, to live in this manner is to die a slow death inside. In many ways, this movie touched me personally. Although we are not a Jewish/Palestinian couple, it is not a far-fetched idea that we could have faced similar issues and dangers in the not so distant past. In fact, had we met in my wife’s birth country and not here, we would not even have to look towards the past; being openly gay would very likely not be a feasible survivable option, since gays are still persecuted, oppressed, and even beheaded to this day. (I purposely did not link this reference due to disturbing images, but feel free to search.)

Many things ran through my mind as I watched this film. I found myself profoundly grateful for the life I’ve been given to live. In spite of the fact that a minority of US citizens (yes, it is a minority!) would prefer to keep the basic rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness from us, I appreciate a president who has pushed for a more equal, safer country in this regard. Equality makes us stronger as a nation, whether we choose to believe it or not. This movie also brought a scripture to mind, (yes, you read that correctly) to whom much is given, much is required. I have been given much by this life: I have the freedom to follow my path towards happiness, follow my soul towards being genuinely me, and follow my heart to marry the love that I call home.

Stonewall Inn 1969/Today

But to live in the happiness without acknowledgement of certain aspects of my life is to live irresponsibly. Often, when I walk in the city I walk by the Stonewall Inn on Christopher Street.  Seeing the rainbow flags that fly in the Manhattan breeze never fails to move me. I must acknowledge the ones who paved the way for my beautiful marriage and I thank them. We have a ways to go yet, but the fact that I sleep peacefully in our tiny home means their efforts were not in vain.

I must also acknowledge the fact that with my freedom of happiness comes a responsibility to those who still live without such freedom or basic rights. I cannot say “well, I have mine, now you get yours” and stay true to myself or my principles. This concept reaches far beyond the scope of gay rights. My wife once told me that, as a child, she often wondered if anyone out there was thinking of her, knew of her life, or was trying to help her. This image has left such a mark upon my life. Today, there will be individuals who die simply because they are gay; unfortunately, I will not know their names or their stories, but it is my responsibility to use my voice and my life to expose the ignorance that fuels this type of oppression and discrimination in all forms.

You’ve probably heard the saying, “It gets better.” I truly love this phrase because it gives hope, and as Harvey Milk said, “you...gotta give em hope.” Just saying it gets better does not make it so. We have to make it get better; it doesn’t happen on its own. Just as my marriage would not be possible without the efforts of others, present and future generations are relying on us to be the change we want to see in this world. (Mahatma Gandhi) We want better? We must be better. We want peace? We must be peace. We want hope? We must be hope.

***As is my life, this blog is a work in progress; my desire is to facilitate constructive and respectful conversations about life and our collective journey towards peace. It has become an obsession. Please add "your two cents worth" below, and feel free to share this blog. The more the merrier! Understanding ourselves helps us understand others; therefore bringing us one step closer to attaining peace.***

Conversation with a Stranger

I am fully and completely my father's daughter when it comes to my love of conversing with strangers. Besides the wonderful experience of meeting fellow members of humanity, these moments allow me the opportunity to learn from others' life stories and broaden my viewpoint of this world in which we live. Last night's interaction with a seventy-something year old Armenian professor was no different.

Our conversation struck up based upon his travels.  After several minutes of conversation, I had discovered that this delightful man was headed to Armenia for the centennial commemoration of the Armenian genocide. Thinking to enlighten me on the topic, he acted quite surprised that I already knew of this event. He began to inquire as to how I knew, and looked at me curiously when I told him that my wife was doing research on this topic currently. Honestly, his silence made me wonder for a moment whether I should have mentioned my wife. The conversation went as follows:

-You have a wife?

-Yes, sir, I do.

-You are a girl?

-Yes, sir, I am. We moved to New York and got married. Is that okay?

-Are you kidding me? I just attended the marriage of my wife's niece! Two white dresses, two people in love, it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen!

He moved back to the more important topic of the genocide and how I came to know about it. I told him my wife was currently studying History and Human Rights and is set on making this world a place where fewer genocides and atrocities happen. I told him of her love for humanity and how she inspires me to live each day in such a way that adds to the collective peace we so desperately need. A beautiful smile appeared upon his face:

-This is good. When you get home please tell her "don't give up." Give her a big hug and a kiss from me.

Hey Jude.

For the last few days, I've awakened with this song in my head. Yesterday I sat down to play it on the guitar; I figured I might as well go with if it is floating around in my head for so long. Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you that I am horrible at remembering lyrics, but the one line of this song that has always stuck with me is take a sad song and make it better. In our daily lives, our paths cross with many people who have sad songs within. These sad songs have many different tunes, and they are sung in many different ways: bitterness, unkindness, rudeness, pure sadness, emptiness, to name a few. It is easy to become frustrated by these tunes when they slap us in the face (figuratively, hopefully), and I find myself forgetting to look beyond the obvious and empathize with the sad tune within that sparks these outward displays of harshness.

Take a sad song and make it better. We cannot fix people; the quickest way to make matters worse is to try and fix people. It frustrates us and it usually infuriates them. (Think do unto others...) We can, however, shine light into their lives by they way we act with and react to them. How can we make it better today? We are all in this thing together, and to quote my wise mother, "all God's children got issues." No one has it all together, but the way we respond to and interact with one another either makes the situation worse or better.

It is an easy path to take to say, you want to be rude with me? No problem, I'll be rude right back. It's the easy way out, and if you're happy with the song that is playing in our world at the present moment, then be my guest. But I envision a different song, a happier tune, than the one to which we are currently marching. Let's makes someone's sad song better today. It may not be easy. It starts with us, and while we're doing this, we can also see what song is playing within our own souls and make it better as well. Compassion towards ourselves and others makes for happier songs all around.