Operation De-Clutter Simplify Update

It has been several months since I determined to de-clutter/simplify parts of my life that held a "too much" air about them. I'll say it has been a bit of an addictive experience, but one that has left me feeling lighter and healthier.

One of the most freeing venues of de-clutter was that of social media/technology. Obviously, ending my relationship with Facebook freed up a lot of time in my mind, and I have seen a drastic increase in my creativity as it pertains to writing. I did not realize the extent to which I'd become "mindless" in this area. For the first few weeks, on the bus to work, I would pull out my phone and look for my Facebook app before I would remember it was no longer there. It had become a mindless habit for me. That is not to cast judgment on the millions of Facebook users, but for me, for my journey, I was looking for a more mindful way to be present in my life.

Along those same lines, I de-cluttered the enormous amount of daily emails with which I was bombarded. Sales on this site, money for that cause, I found myself deleting 20+ emails every day without even opening them. I went on an unsubscribing spree and now I receive 5 emails a day from sites that truly matter to me or that I enjoy reading. I find myself looking forward to opening my inbox now that I have de-cluttered.

Also, when I write, I close all websites and email accounts and simply...write. It has surprised me! I did not understand how distracted I'd become. I have written more in the last two months, than over the last year.

Lastly, with respect to our highly connected society, I have started turning my phone off when I am out for the day enjoying the city, or the beach, or the woods with my wife. If it were not for the simple fact of sometimes needing access to my Bible (a.k.a. Google Map), I would now be content to even leave it at home. (This is coming from a person who once said she would get an implanted phone when they became available.) As my wife says wisely, "if it is an emergency, they should call 9-1-1."

I love being able to stay connected with the people I care about, but I have enjoyed this re-evaluation of my life and my desire to stay connected with the present moment. In doing so, I can have the peace of mind and contentment that makes me a more healthy and happier soul for those people I care about. In the end, that is a beautiful feeling.

Peace to you!

***As is my life, this blog is a work in progress. My desire is to facilitate constructive, respectful conversations about life and our collective journey towards peace and happiness. This has become an obsession.

Please add “your two cents worth” below, and feel free to share this blog. The more the merrier! Understanding ourselves helps us understand others—bringing us one step closer to attaining peace.***

Distanced Friends

I’m sorry it came as a shock. It was quite a shock for me too. I get it, well, at least I get some of it. I’m not the person you thought I was, and no matter how long you’d known me before my coming out, that’s been a hard adjustment for you. It took a bit for me to adjust also, and I gave myself plenty of time before I told you. This was on purpose.

For starters, and to be honest, I had to see if was going to be worth it, personally; laying aside the fact that I am now happily married, I foresaw nothing of the sort back then. (I had yet to even meet the soul who is now my wife.)  So with the assumption that I would stay happily single, was it really going to be worth the risk? I wasn't sure.

Soon enough, I had to change my line of questioning. As I became comfortable in my own skin, I realized how much freer I’d become. I wanted this for others—for you. Believe it or not, I thought of you and others and how I’d feel if the tables were turned. Would I want you to hide who you were, even if you were happier, because I was uncomfortable with it? Hiding who we are is not a healthy way for us to live. I don’t want others, no doubt others who are in your life right now, hiding for fear of rejection.Yeah, they're there in your life, they just haven't gotten up the courage to tell you yet.

It is true, I am different than I was in many ways. I’m happier. I’m freer. I’m more honest. I even think I’m funnier, but that may be up for debate! I am myself. At least I am becoming more myself every day—it’s a journey. I really wish you knew me now! I wake up each day alive—not just breathing, but alive!

Okay, so now the details. Yeah, that.  I am gay, and I have a wife, and you’re uncomfortable with that. It doesn’t have to be awkward you know. Do you have questions? Ask. (Yes, we have sex, and, no, I won't talk about it.) No questions? No worries. We don’t make a habit of sitting around and forcing others to talk about being gay. Do you sit around and talk about being straight? We’re all so much more than one dimensional; we're more alike than we are different. We just want to spend time with you.

My wife and I, we love to talk. We play scrabble. We cook together. We walk together. We write, we hike, we laugh...often. We plan our future together. My wife is studying human rights, we’re both concerned about climate change, so those topics are always on the table for discussion if you'd prefer.

We’re now [sort of] legally married in all states. Did you know that? My colleagues at work congratulated me when I walked into work that day.  It made me smile. While I didn’t expect a call from you, I thought about how nice it would have been. Whatever you’ve been taught about the evils of my life is wrong. I know, I once thought all those horrible things myself, about myself, but they’re unfounded and harmful.

Lastly, I simply miss you in my life, and it saddens me that you don’t know my wife. She’s really something. (Last week, her dentist asked me if I knew that I was married to the nicest person in the world. I quickly told him I was aware.) 

Let's face it. You and me, we’ll we’ve been through some intense shit together, if I may be so bold, and you were the kind of person I wanted to hang onto in this life. Honestly, you were the kind of person I thought would see this thing through.

We’re in this thing called life together, you know. I value your place in my life; I wish you’d come around more often.

Peace to you and your journey,

Your gay friend

***As is my life, this blog is a work in progress; my desire is to facilitate constructive and respectful conversations about life and our collective journey towards peace. This has become an obsession. Please add "your two cents worth" below, and feel free to share this blog. 

The more the merrier! Understanding ourselves helps us understand others; therefore bringing us one step closer to attaining peace.***

"Do Something"

Yesterday, as I was sitting on the beach, my first day of vacation, with my toes in the sand next to the love of my life, I began to think about my journey to this very day. In comparison to the frustrated, directionless, crushed individual I was eleven years ago…well, there really is no comparison.

The journey is still something of a wonderment to me, and I will openly admit I had no idea where I was headed, but I just remember thinking I can’t stay here. By here I didn’t mean a physical location, although I did end up relocating eventually. I was stuck and frozen with panic. By here I meant in the place that was suffocating me.

My dad has a saying: “Do something, even if it’s wrong.” He’s a bit of a guru if you ask me, because that’s the mentality that motivated my first few steps. I had no idea where I was going or what I was doing, but I knew staying in the place of darkness was certain death to my soul.  I had to do something, even if it was wrong.

Now obviously this was not a father’s encouragement for his daughter to pursue bank robbery as an occupation; hopefully, you get the meaning behind the message. When life as we know it comes to a screeching halt, it is difficult to get it going again. To stay stuck was to let the situation drain all the life out of me, and I wasn’t going to give anyone the satisfaction of saying they’d destroyed my life.

My first few steps were wobbly. I was bobbing and weaving all over the place, but I was moving, albeit slowly. Life was slowly coming back to me. When I would catch myself falling back into those places of panic, I would make great effort to change my frame of mind, my situation, and my mood.

I still didn’t know where I was going, and I still didn’t really have a goal other than just not here, but I slowly began to realize that these steps were leading me away from self-pity, anger, and negativity. Buddhism has taught me that it’s okay to acknowledge and accept that life isn’t fair, but self-pity, anger, and negativity are nasty beasts by which to be bitten. They do not lead to a healthy life.

As I kept walking (or kept swimming if you ask Dory) I began to regain my focus. I realized I had a voice, I began to see the world with compassion, and I figured out where I wanted to go. It didn’t come quickly, but I learned to be purposeful in my doings. If I caught myself replaying conversations or situations from the past, I would change the topic in my head. I learned to force my mind to stay in safe places.

Life isn’t very fair, and sometimes, quite frankly, it just downright sucks, but it is life and it is always changing. If you find yourself stuck, do something, anything, big or small, to break the cycle that keeps pulling you under. Refuse to let pain, disappointment, or hurt define who you are and where you’ll go. If you’re not sure of your destination, at least move from where you no longer want a permanent address. Life in transit is an okay place to be for a time. Just let yourself be there. Don’t panic, just keep swimming. At least you’ll be moving and life will begin to flow again.  

Updates

Hello to anyone and everyone!

It has been awhile, I know. I have been focused on two more edits of the memoir, and I'm happy to announce that it looks like it is nearing the next phase. Although I polish a little here and a little there with every re-read, I am so happy with the way it has turned out.

My next phase will be submission. I have a few LGBT publishing houses in mind that seem to be interested in memoirs, so I will start there. We'll see where this leads; I am in this for the long haul, so I will not stop until it is published!

As I read through the pages of the last edit,  I recalled the motivation of writing Leaving God; Finding Me in the first place. When I was younger, I would have given anything to have been able to hear someone's story--to know someone felt the feelings I felt. It would have made me feel less odd, less confused, less alone. There are far too many people today struggling with confusion over sexuality and/or religion. (I am constantly amazed at how often these two go hand in hand.)

My reason for writing is simple. To tell those who struggle, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are beautiful just the way you are; live your life, and be happy.

Whatever the outcome, I am so grateful for this journey. The future is bright and full of opportunities.

Peace!

Kindness

Let’s face it; we all have people in our lives that are harder to get along than others. And if we really want to be honest, we’ll admit that we might even be those people who are harder to get along with in someone else’s life.  Yes, I find it hard to believe that there might be someone in this world who doesn’t adore my sense of sarcasm or think my worldview is the greatest, but the small chance that there is that someone exists!

But in all honesty, there are times when kindness is difficult. I have been struggling with this in certain arenas of my life lately. I think most of us ultimately want to be kind, but we often struggle due to anger, frustration, or even hurt.

Someone said recently, “I let the other person set the tone; if they're rude, I will not waste my time being nice to them.”  Admittedly, this option is tempting, I've even chosen it in certain situations, but by choosing the reactionary way, we relinquish control over the situation; do we really want the rude, the obnoxious, the inconsiderate to be in control of human interactions?

There are times when I have honestly given it my best shot to change the tone of a situation with an impolite person, but failed. But on the other hand, there are times, when I have responded in calloused, reactionary ways that have left me truly disappointed with myself.

I’ve decided that kindness is not for the weak for it appears to be the more difficult choice.  This week, in one of the above situations, I have repeatedly told myself to err on the side of kindness, if I must err. It has taken quite an effort, and I have failed at times, but I am happier with myself when I aim towards kindness, rather than react to the unkindness of others. With this choice, I have peace of mind and a clearer conscience, which, in turn, deescalates tensions in the atmosphere and lets me go home at night and sleep at ease.

I’ll leave you with the Metta Bhavana; a mantra that I find particularly helpful in situations such as these:

May you be well

May you be happy

May you be peaceful

May you be filled with lovingkindness

***As is my life, this blog is a work in progress; my desire is to facilitate constructive and respectful conversations about life and our collective journey towards peace. It has become an obsession. Please add "your two cents worth" below, and feel free to share this blog. The more the merrier! Understanding ourselves helps us understand others; therefore bringing us one step closer to attaining peace.***

Happy "You Give Motherhood a Good Name" Day

I've been writing this particular post for a long time, probably all my life. The life gifts I've been given by both of my parents would take another lifetime to cover, but today, a day to honor those mothers who give motherhood a good name, I am drastically aware of how much I've been given in this life.

Mornings at the Wimberley household were simply not for the faint of heart---but in a good way. There was no easing into the new day; life hit the ground running. More often than not, I was awakened by my mother's singing as she went about her morning routine. If she wasn't singing, she would be praying for each of us aloud as she did the dishes, or having a conversation with pop as they drank their coffee. The mood was light and cheerful and peaceful; it was an inviting feeling.  

I am grateful to have never awakened in cold chaos or angry words. I cannot comprehend the feelings that must run through children who awake to and live in such an atmosphere. My heart breaks for them. It seems a bit of a taboo subject on such a day, but there are mothers who don't really give motherhood a good name--it's a shame and a concept I don't understand really...bringing children into this world, but then choosing not to cherishing these children for the absolute treasures that they are. Even sadder still, are those who move beyond giving motherhood a bad name and become monsters that cause damage in the lives of the young. 

 
Motherhood is not for the weak, this I know. It takes great amounts of strength, tears, sweat, wisdom, and probably Tylenol. As I look back on my childhood, I am grateful for the honest, compassionate upbringing I was given. My mom has always been a source of security and safety; even when we have not agreed on issues, I have never had to struggle through the feeling of being unloved. She has supported me in times that she could not necessarily agree with or support my decisions. (I am also grateful for the opportunities to fail--and fail I did, just ask me about living in Oklahoma!) While I could not predict my parents' exact response to my late coming out, I knew that they would not withhold their love and support from me as a person, as their daughter, and now I am even more grateful that this love and acceptance is beautifully extended to my wife. Love and acceptance were never bargaining chips in our family--and this made a drastic difference in my confidence level as I sat out to explore the world and myself. May many follow in her footsteps. Peace.

Happy Mom's Day, Mom, you give motherhood a good name!

We Gotta Give Em Hope

My friends used to say that it took me two hours to explain a one hour movie. I’m guessing I don’t have a future as a movie critic. This is not really a space for movie reviews, but I recently watched one of those movies that stay with you, if you know what I mean. This post is not about critiquing this movie (five stars) or even enticing you to watch it (which you should), but it is about the profound effect it had on me. Out in the Dark was a hard movie for me to watch—I paused it halfway through to get another glass of wine—I was on edge the entire time, but just knowing that there are people who face the issues that were brought to light in this movie, quite simply breaks my heart.

Out in the Dark

In a quick sentence, the movie was about a Palestinian (male) college student who falls in love with a young, Jewish (male) lawyer. That one sentence sets up more problems than most people will face in a lifetime, but these two young men face all of this and more. Like many others, living true to themselves meant putting their lives and their loved ones in danger. It is a cruel world that tells someone they must deny an innate part of themselves in order to live; sadly ironic, to live in this manner is to die a slow death inside. In many ways, this movie touched me personally. Although we are not a Jewish/Palestinian couple, it is not a far-fetched idea that we could have faced similar issues and dangers in the not so distant past. In fact, had we met in my wife’s birth country and not here, we would not even have to look towards the past; being openly gay would very likely not be a feasible survivable option, since gays are still persecuted, oppressed, and even beheaded to this day. (I purposely did not link this reference due to disturbing images, but feel free to search.)

Many things ran through my mind as I watched this film. I found myself profoundly grateful for the life I’ve been given to live. In spite of the fact that a minority of US citizens (yes, it is a minority!) would prefer to keep the basic rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness from us, I appreciate a president who has pushed for a more equal, safer country in this regard. Equality makes us stronger as a nation, whether we choose to believe it or not. This movie also brought a scripture to mind, (yes, you read that correctly) to whom much is given, much is required. I have been given much by this life: I have the freedom to follow my path towards happiness, follow my soul towards being genuinely me, and follow my heart to marry the love that I call home.

Stonewall Inn 1969/Today

But to live in the happiness without acknowledgement of certain aspects of my life is to live irresponsibly. Often, when I walk in the city I walk by the Stonewall Inn on Christopher Street.  Seeing the rainbow flags that fly in the Manhattan breeze never fails to move me. I must acknowledge the ones who paved the way for my beautiful marriage and I thank them. We have a ways to go yet, but the fact that I sleep peacefully in our tiny home means their efforts were not in vain.

I must also acknowledge the fact that with my freedom of happiness comes a responsibility to those who still live without such freedom or basic rights. I cannot say “well, I have mine, now you get yours” and stay true to myself or my principles. This concept reaches far beyond the scope of gay rights. My wife once told me that, as a child, she often wondered if anyone out there was thinking of her, knew of her life, or was trying to help her. This image has left such a mark upon my life. Today, there will be individuals who die simply because they are gay; unfortunately, I will not know their names or their stories, but it is my responsibility to use my voice and my life to expose the ignorance that fuels this type of oppression and discrimination in all forms.

You’ve probably heard the saying, “It gets better.” I truly love this phrase because it gives hope, and as Harvey Milk said, “you...gotta give em hope.” Just saying it gets better does not make it so. We have to make it get better; it doesn’t happen on its own. Just as my marriage would not be possible without the efforts of others, present and future generations are relying on us to be the change we want to see in this world. (Mahatma Gandhi) We want better? We must be better. We want peace? We must be peace. We want hope? We must be hope.

***As is my life, this blog is a work in progress; my desire is to facilitate constructive and respectful conversations about life and our collective journey towards peace. It has become an obsession. Please add "your two cents worth" below, and feel free to share this blog. The more the merrier! Understanding ourselves helps us understand others; therefore bringing us one step closer to attaining peace.***