Ten Years of Change

A life chapter ended on Thursday.  Since 2004, I’ve worked for the Bux, minus a brief break while working with my sister. Now I'll be moving on.

I stopped to think of my life ten years ago. Wow. I had just left the ministry and my head was still reeling from all that had gone on and gone wrong. As Buddhists say, the ground had been pulled out from under me. Bewildered would be an appropriate word. I felt like a failure. I’d just been let go from what I had thought was my life’s calling. I had no idea where to go from here; I had no idea who I was.  Everything I thought was real and lasting was suddenly called into question. Many whom I loved dearly and trusted with my life had chosen popularity over me. I took that personally; sometimes it hurt to breathe.

Ten years can hold a great deal of change. As time has healed wounds, I can be nothing but grateful for this unexpected and drastic turn of events.

Grateful for landing flat on my back, although I didn’t feel that way at the time; the jar shook me to the very core and opened my eyes. Instead of seeing stars, I saw my disillusionment. I saw that I was trying so desperately to make myself believe what I wanted so hard to believe in. I didn’t know where I was going from here, but I would investigate life and question easy answers from here on out. I made that promise to myself. What beautiful things I’ve discovered about myself and the world around me since then.

Grateful to a kindhearted Bux manager who told me to come work for her. A genuine soul, if ever there has been one; I am still proud to call her friend today. From her example, I learned a lot about being myself, take it or leave it. I also learned an awful lot about confidence. She believed in me, and I had found something I was actually really good at and enjoyed doing. I felt good about this and for the first time, in perhaps forever, I felt I was in an honest place. I still didn’t know where I was headed, but it felt right and good.

I recall a time when a church member from my previous position saw me sweeping the floor one night as we prepared to close. She came up to me and said, “I hate to see you like this. You have so much more to offer.” Besides feeling a bit humiliated, I was angry. Angry because she saw me as a failure. I wanted to scream at her, “I like who I am becoming!” but I think I just said something generic and went on. I did not have the courage for that sort of confrontation yet. I had to learn that success is not defined by what I do or what people think of me. Success is a lifestyle choice of peace and goodness and happiness and laughter. I define my success not you….

Grateful for this life I now lead. I am quite often overwhelmed by the love that fills our tiny space. You may be tired of hearing this by now, but I simply could not have imagined such a beautiful life as the one I now live. As I turn this page, I must remember that this was all made possible by the hard, painful floor of betrayal and confusion I found myself laying upon those ten years ago. 

Peace to you.