Ten Years of Change

A life chapter ended on Thursday.  Since 2004, I’ve worked for the Bux, minus a brief break while working with my sister. Now I'll be moving on.

I stopped to think of my life ten years ago. Wow. I had just left the ministry and my head was still reeling from all that had gone on and gone wrong. As Buddhists say, the ground had been pulled out from under me. Bewildered would be an appropriate word. I felt like a failure. I’d just been let go from what I had thought was my life’s calling. I had no idea where to go from here; I had no idea who I was.  Everything I thought was real and lasting was suddenly called into question. Many whom I loved dearly and trusted with my life had chosen popularity over me. I took that personally; sometimes it hurt to breathe.

Ten years can hold a great deal of change. As time has healed wounds, I can be nothing but grateful for this unexpected and drastic turn of events.

Grateful for landing flat on my back, although I didn’t feel that way at the time; the jar shook me to the very core and opened my eyes. Instead of seeing stars, I saw my disillusionment. I saw that I was trying so desperately to make myself believe what I wanted so hard to believe in. I didn’t know where I was going from here, but I would investigate life and question easy answers from here on out. I made that promise to myself. What beautiful things I’ve discovered about myself and the world around me since then.

Grateful to a kindhearted Bux manager who told me to come work for her. A genuine soul, if ever there has been one; I am still proud to call her friend today. From her example, I learned a lot about being myself, take it or leave it. I also learned an awful lot about confidence. She believed in me, and I had found something I was actually really good at and enjoyed doing. I felt good about this and for the first time, in perhaps forever, I felt I was in an honest place. I still didn’t know where I was headed, but it felt right and good.

I recall a time when a church member from my previous position saw me sweeping the floor one night as we prepared to close. She came up to me and said, “I hate to see you like this. You have so much more to offer.” Besides feeling a bit humiliated, I was angry. Angry because she saw me as a failure. I wanted to scream at her, “I like who I am becoming!” but I think I just said something generic and went on. I did not have the courage for that sort of confrontation yet. I had to learn that success is not defined by what I do or what people think of me. Success is a lifestyle choice of peace and goodness and happiness and laughter. I define my success not you….

Grateful for this life I now lead. I am quite often overwhelmed by the love that fills our tiny space. You may be tired of hearing this by now, but I simply could not have imagined such a beautiful life as the one I now live. As I turn this page, I must remember that this was all made possible by the hard, painful floor of betrayal and confusion I found myself laying upon those ten years ago. 

Peace to you.

Standing FOR Each Other -- International Day of Peace

I've been a bit frustrated lately. Somewhere between…[I had originally typed out several recent events and nationally known people who thrive on exposure even when it’s horrible, but I just couldn't stand to give them one ounce of publicity through this blog, so I scratched it, but the end of the sentence read:] …I lost faith in humanity for a second. You know what I mean, don’t you?

I will strive to focus on the positive, even though my heart grows heavy at times from the overabundance of hate and fear I see in our communities. Anti-Islam ads on buses, anti-Semitic politicians, anti-lgbtq, anti-this, anti-that, anti-whatever-it-is-that-I-have-not-taken-the-time-to-understand, anti-blah, blah, blah. Aren't we tired of anti yet? I am often reminded of Dr. King Jr.’s quote: “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” I am just as appalled as anyone at the violence and blatant injustices in many parts of the world (including our own), but countering darkness with our own special brand of darkness does not seem to be working out well. There must be another way. It seems to me, and I say this through my personal experience, it is much easier to be anti-whatever than it is to take the time to understand this world and be the embodiment of love, peace, and light. With that being said, there has been no greater personal peace, than in the purposeful choosing of the latter.

I have not always been so obsessed with peace. For the longest of times, I don't remember even giving it much thought, which is odd since I was a minister and a Christian. I believed [tried hard to convince myself] that the only path of peace was a relationship with Jesus and a life of worship to God. This was the only way for anyone to be truly happy, which is where many of the problems within religions begin. This was the only truth…or so I was taught. As I made my way out of this belief system, and since this belief system was so ingrained in my being, I fully expected to feel less peaceful, less happy, less fulfilled, but the opposite was wonderfully true. It was quite a surprise and shock to me; as time went on, and I ventured into the world that had once seemed so frightening, I stumbled upon a profound peace and a heart of compassion that literally changed my life in every way. I think, perhaps, I just uncovered the peace and compassion that had been lying dormant in my soul for all those years; I was slowly awakening.

Today, September 21, is the International Day of Peace, established to strengthen the idea of peace everywhere and to purposefully promote peace throughout the world’s communities. (Today is also the Baghdad City of Peace Carnival that I spoke of in an earlier post—my heart is cheering them!) Hold peace in your heart. Peace is possible, I firmly believe this to be true, but it takes all of us choosing peace as a daily lifestyle. Let's BE FOR each other and FOR each other's peaceful journey instead of all this negative focus. Perhaps it is indeed the hardest choice, but isn't it worth a try? 

*I don't tear-up easily, but something about this photo moved me to great depths. 

Cities of Peace

I’ve been following a Facebook page called Baghdad City of Peace Carnival. I have also been following the disturbing events of terror over the last few months brought on by extreme extremists. (When Al Qaeda declares you are even too extreme, you must be extremists in the truest sense of the word.) I’ve always been a bit of a news junkie, but lately I find myself keeping a closer eye on these issues. Perhaps it is because I now have family there or because I’m married to a brownie whom I adore, which makes it more personal, but perhaps I’m also finally awakening to the realization that we are truly all in this thing together.

This organization puts together a carnival to celebrate the UN’s World Peace Day (September 21, 2014) Think about that for a moment. In a city that is wreaked with havoc, there is a group of people that put together a day to focus on peace. I have to wonder if the organizers are putting themselves into harm’s way, by boldly organizing this day of peace. You know what that tells me? The world’s people want peace.

We war, and then we war, and then we war some more. Is it doing any good? Although I haven’t always felt this way, I have my doubts. My heart has grown tired of the violence, and I have found myself questioning the violence to combat violence mentality. I see Palestinians who want peace, I see Israelis who want peace; I see Ukrainians, Russians, Americans, Iraqis, French, Turks, even those aggressive Canadians who want peace. (Since I am called Canadian at least once a week, I admittedly took some sarcastic liberties with that joke.)

Who wants the wars? Who schedules the wars? What are the motives behind the wars? What are the real motives behind the wars? Who ends up dying in these bloody wars?

There is a video of Baghdad City of Peace that I’ll post here. The first minute is in Arabic, which is a beautiful language, so just listen. After the speaking, it moves into a song. The faces. Pay attention to the faces. Within this organization, these small faces have role models who are not advocating war and violence, but peace. We owe it to these and all the small faces to be peace.

It is so easy to dwindle the issues of this world down to black and white, right and wrong, us and them, and pick sides as if we’re playing some sort of sport. But this isn’t a sport. Ferguson, Missouri isn’t a game, and Baghdad, Iraq sure as hell isn’t a game. It is people’s lives, their children, their brothers, sisters, mothers we’re talking about and just because we are somewhat removed from the situations doesn't mean we can sit back and do nothing.  As John Stewart says, “You’re tired of hearing about it? Imagine how f*cking exhausting it is living it.”

...and just because I love the international phenomenon of this song: Happy--Baghdad style.