Where's the Beginning?

On a journey such as mine, square one has been a difficult point to pin down. I don't know that I can point to one specific instance and say, there....there is where I began leaving the faith. There were many stepping stones, curves, speed bumps, hills, and plateaus on this journey, and some I have only seen clearly in hindsight and reflection.

You know, I didn't set out with the intention of leaving God. What many of you don't know is that I have been a minister's kid/missionary/youth minister for most of my life; I thought I would stay in the ministry forever. But then an unexpected shift pulled the rug out from under me, and I found myself flat on my back gasping for air, figuratively speaking. As I lay there trying to figure out what the hell had just happened, I decided to deal with things once and for all. I was tired of relying on others' convictions, so I determined to deal with my growing mound of doubts about God, and solidify my faith sans church politics of which I'd grown so sick. This journey was supposed to be one that drew me closer to the God I thought I knew, but instead I found myself growing more skeptical as the days of study and contemplation went by.

Here I find myself, no God, such peace, and a true gratefulness for that painful event that landed me flat on my back some ten years ago now. Hindsight proves that this wasn't square one, but it was one of two major times of reflection in my journey out of religion. As the intense study and reflection continued, the skepticism grew. I found voice for the doubts I'd been so afraid to utter. Honest contemplation gave way to this profound peace that gradually settled in my soul. I had found truth, although it certainly wasn't in the place I'd expected it to be.

I'm not close minded or trying to justify my take on this life; I'm actually more open minded than ever before, I'm just a little more selective about the need for evidence in the things in which I believe. Gone are the fears of what might be out there and in their place is a desire to investigate all the wonders that surround me each day.