Where's the Beginning?

On a journey such as mine, square one has been a difficult point to pin down. I don't know that I can point to one specific instance and say, there....there is where I began leaving the faith. There were many stepping stones, curves, speed bumps, hills, and plateaus on this journey, and some I have only seen clearly in hindsight and reflection.

You know, I didn't set out with the intention of leaving God. What many of you don't know is that I have been a minister's kid/missionary/youth minister for most of my life; I thought I would stay in the ministry forever. But then an unexpected shift pulled the rug out from under me, and I found myself flat on my back gasping for air, figuratively speaking. As I lay there trying to figure out what the hell had just happened, I decided to deal with things once and for all. I was tired of relying on others' convictions, so I determined to deal with my growing mound of doubts about God, and solidify my faith sans church politics of which I'd grown so sick. This journey was supposed to be one that drew me closer to the God I thought I knew, but instead I found myself growing more skeptical as the days of study and contemplation went by.

Here I find myself, no God, such peace, and a true gratefulness for that painful event that landed me flat on my back some ten years ago now. Hindsight proves that this wasn't square one, but it was one of two major times of reflection in my journey out of religion. As the intense study and reflection continued, the skepticism grew. I found voice for the doubts I'd been so afraid to utter. Honest contemplation gave way to this profound peace that gradually settled in my soul. I had found truth, although it certainly wasn't in the place I'd expected it to be.

I'm not close minded or trying to justify my take on this life; I'm actually more open minded than ever before, I'm just a little more selective about the need for evidence in the things in which I believe. Gone are the fears of what might be out there and in their place is a desire to investigate all the wonders that surround me each day. 

Project Beginnings

Some might be turned off or offended by the harshness of title, but it sums up, quite clearly, the two soul-journeys I've traveled for the better part of my life; I infer no disrespect to anyone who has found their peace in religion, I have simply found mine elsewhere. Recently, and feeling the urge to tell my story in hopes of encouraging others who struggle with who they are, I began putting my story on paper in a more structured form. (Much thanks to my wife for her continued encouragement and belief in me) The result has been, at the very least, greatly therapeutic and rewarding in its own sense, and, at best, perhaps the makings of a book. As I continue editing my thoughts, I will pursue this option in the coming months. I am investigating traditional avenues of publishing as well as self-publishing options. I will say that the publishing options of today are greater than any other time in history which is exciting.

My original thought was I am a nobody, who will buy a book written by me? But it is in this nobody-ness that my desire to write my story really began to take root. Most of us are nobodies in today's unspoken definition of the term, but that does not mean that our stories, our journeys, are any less valid than those whom society considers someone of consequence.

Many who know me now, do not know the story of how I came to be the me of the present, and many who knew me then can't quite understand the me of now. Mostly, this present version of me is a result of an intensely honest journey of self-exploration over the past ten years. It has been a difficult journey at times, and I was not at all sure of what I would find along the way or the end result, but I can say truthfully, I have never been more at peace, more myself, or more happy than my present day version of me. 

This blog will be a mixture of of several things. It will be about the process of continued exploration of myself in view of this world around us; it will bring up issues that I believe are of importance concerning religion, politics, equality and so on. On a more technical note, it will also be a record of this project should it turn into anything more than a therapeutic project. If my story encourages one soul to explore their inner self and find peace in this exploration, then I will consider this an extremely worthwhile project. 

So, come along for the continued journey! Share your ideas, comment on issues, and let's challenge one another on in compassion towards the inner peace we all seek.