A Kiss and a Prayer (I am Michael Sam)

There's a Facebook thing going around that shows Michael Sam kissing his boyfriend after being drafted into the NFL and Tim Tebow kneeling in prayer. The post reads You know America is in trouble when we celebrate this (the kiss) and mock this (the prayer). I can't adequately describe how much this has bothered me since seeing it, so much so, that I woke up thinking about it several times throughout the night. I don't even know that I can adequately articulate all that bothers me about this post and why it saddens and disappoints me so deeply. I am also unsure, if you truly stand behind the sentiment of this post, that there is anything that I can say that would help you see life from any different perspective than your own. 

First, if you truly believe that I am the reason that America is in trouble, then...I'm not sure I know what to say. Now you may say that you don't mean this as a personal slam to me, but, you see, I am Michael Sam, my wife is Michael Sam, and what you don't realize is that YOU are Michael Sam as well. Everyone one of us desires the freedom to live, love, and pursue a happy and peaceful life. We are all more alike than we are different, and we do not have the right to dictate how others' peaceful life should look. I didn't always realize this, and sadly, I've heaped a lot of judgments due to my lack of understanding and personal insecurities.

Second, yeah, it hurts. Okay, I said it. I personally think the kiss has taken on a life of its own and has distracted from Sam's actually talent, but I also see the significance of the first openly gay man drafted into the NFL and his open, and I might add beautiful, celebration of such. In many situations, we can, and do, still lose jobs because of who we are and who we love. It has taken me an extremely long time to be at peace with the fact that I am gay, and I intend to work towards a peaceful society that allows everyone to be who they are. This includes Tim Tebow and this includes you.

I don't endorse the mockery of Tebow. I wouldn't even know Tim Tebow if he knocked on my door today, but he has the right to believe how he chooses. It is all too easy to jab at the expression of personal beliefs instead of true dialogue about concerns and differences. I have been guilty of this, and I am trying to rise above such playground tactics as bullying those who are not like me. Be clear also, that Tim Tebow has the long-held freedom to express his religious beliefs, whereas Michael Sam has not always held the freedom to express who he is, not just his beliefs. So it is in this progress of freedom that we celebrate, not simply a same-sex kiss. (And in the name of logic, a huge portion of lgbtq that I know personally would celebrate both the kiss and the knee knelt in prayer!)

I will agree that we have some big troubles here in our nation, but my pursuit of a peaceful life with my wife is not one of them. Perhaps our troubles can be found in the the fact that corrupt money controls our politics, or that NFL players make so more than teachers, or that our prisons are for-profit while children on our soil go to bed hungry each night. We need more talk action about these issues that threaten to ruin the fabric of our society. We need more peaceful dialogue and understanding and that takes a lot of work and patience. 

I celebrate every single moment that I can proudly show affection to my wife without my life or hers being threatened. I celebrate your freedoms as well. May you be happy and at peace. 

...and then there was that one night.

As my self-honest grew, I gained the confidence to tackle bigger topics of doubts that I'd held. Prayer/healing had always been a difficult concept for me to grasp. I think I found the concept of healing difficult to accept due to the sickness I'd seen my family members suffer through. As a teen, I had watched my parents pray fervently for my younger brother to be healed of diabetes, but no healing came. I always wondered why. I've never had to wonder how much my parents loved us, and I knew they would have done anything within their power to stop the needles, the pain, and the tears of a ten-year old boy coming to terms with a lifelong illness; how then could a loving, all powerful, God just sit back and do nothing? I know all too well the God's ways are higher than our ways trump card, but I found it always lacking in the face of reality.

Now, as an adult wrestling quietly with these haunting doubts and questions, I relived this scenario again in the life of my nephew. As it had done so many years before, the news that my brother’s son, my beautiful, brilliant, six year old nephew, had diabetes, shook me to the core.  As any six year old, he was not prepared for the needles and the drastic change of lifestyle, and I found myself staring at him in an emergency room after a late night scare with his concerned mother by his side. 

It took all I had within me to hold it together that night. It was the most heartbreaking night of my life thus far. I tried desperately to act like I wasn't completely falling apart inside. My heart was being ripped out of my chest with each tear he shed. My soul was on fire with a wide assortment feelings ranging from anger, rage, despair, and confusion.  I hated this disease with a renewed passion. I was older now, I’d grown in compassion, and I loved this bright-eyed boy with every fiber of my being. This time there would be no trump card to justify his pain. This time there would be no reconciling with a loving Father who knows all and has our best interest in mind even when I couldn't see it. 

I watched his parents and grandparents ache as he suffered through the first few extremely difficult months. As his father before him, he showed outstanding resilience and courage as he struggled to adjust to this new life. Knowing that my father, my brother, myself or anyone else in our family would have done anything within their human capacity to stop the suffering of our little guy, just drove this disconnect home for me. As I shifted these thoughts to a larger scale, knowing that my compassionate, earthly father would never let even his enemy go hungry made the idea of world hunger, poverty, and suffering under the watchful eye of a loving, all-knowing, all-powerful God that much more deplorable to me. I am grateful to have known what true love actually looks like, and what I continually saw from God’s corner was in no way loving in nature.

Once again, I was faced with that same dilemma. I was face to face with my doubt in a loving, caring, all-powerful God, and I knew that one of us wouldn't leave that emergency room unscathed.  That night in that tiny room, I said goodbye to my idea of God once and for all. I had come to a resolution. That child laying there with tears in his eyes was proof enough for me that either God did not exist or he knowingly and willingly allowed this innocent child to suffer. Either explanation held the same outcome: In the early morning hours, I walked out of that room an ex-follower of God.


Some would instantly write me off as jaded and bitter, but some know what I'm talking about even if they can't admit it....

Where's the Beginning?

On a journey such as mine, square one has been a difficult point to pin down. I don't know that I can point to one specific instance and say, there....there is where I began leaving the faith. There were many stepping stones, curves, speed bumps, hills, and plateaus on this journey, and some I have only seen clearly in hindsight and reflection.

You know, I didn't set out with the intention of leaving God. What many of you don't know is that I have been a minister's kid/missionary/youth minister for most of my life; I thought I would stay in the ministry forever. But then an unexpected shift pulled the rug out from under me, and I found myself flat on my back gasping for air, figuratively speaking. As I lay there trying to figure out what the hell had just happened, I decided to deal with things once and for all. I was tired of relying on others' convictions, so I determined to deal with my growing mound of doubts about God, and solidify my faith sans church politics of which I'd grown so sick. This journey was supposed to be one that drew me closer to the God I thought I knew, but instead I found myself growing more skeptical as the days of study and contemplation went by.

Here I find myself, no God, such peace, and a true gratefulness for that painful event that landed me flat on my back some ten years ago now. Hindsight proves that this wasn't square one, but it was one of two major times of reflection in my journey out of religion. As the intense study and reflection continued, the skepticism grew. I found voice for the doubts I'd been so afraid to utter. Honest contemplation gave way to this profound peace that gradually settled in my soul. I had found truth, although it certainly wasn't in the place I'd expected it to be.

I'm not close minded or trying to justify my take on this life; I'm actually more open minded than ever before, I'm just a little more selective about the need for evidence in the things in which I believe. Gone are the fears of what might be out there and in their place is a desire to investigate all the wonders that surround me each day. 

Project Beginnings

Some might be turned off or offended by the harshness of title, but it sums up, quite clearly, the two soul-journeys I've traveled for the better part of my life; I infer no disrespect to anyone who has found their peace in religion, I have simply found mine elsewhere. Recently, and feeling the urge to tell my story in hopes of encouraging others who struggle with who they are, I began putting my story on paper in a more structured form. (Much thanks to my wife for her continued encouragement and belief in me) The result has been, at the very least, greatly therapeutic and rewarding in its own sense, and, at best, perhaps the makings of a book. As I continue editing my thoughts, I will pursue this option in the coming months. I am investigating traditional avenues of publishing as well as self-publishing options. I will say that the publishing options of today are greater than any other time in history which is exciting.

My original thought was I am a nobody, who will buy a book written by me? But it is in this nobody-ness that my desire to write my story really began to take root. Most of us are nobodies in today's unspoken definition of the term, but that does not mean that our stories, our journeys, are any less valid than those whom society considers someone of consequence.

Many who know me now, do not know the story of how I came to be the me of the present, and many who knew me then can't quite understand the me of now. Mostly, this present version of me is a result of an intensely honest journey of self-exploration over the past ten years. It has been a difficult journey at times, and I was not at all sure of what I would find along the way or the end result, but I can say truthfully, I have never been more at peace, more myself, or more happy than my present day version of me. 

This blog will be a mixture of of several things. It will be about the process of continued exploration of myself in view of this world around us; it will bring up issues that I believe are of importance concerning religion, politics, equality and so on. On a more technical note, it will also be a record of this project should it turn into anything more than a therapeutic project. If my story encourages one soul to explore their inner self and find peace in this exploration, then I will consider this an extremely worthwhile project. 

So, come along for the continued journey! Share your ideas, comment on issues, and let's challenge one another on in compassion towards the inner peace we all seek.