Frustrations and Journeys

I’ve been a bit frustrated lately. I had thought to wait until my frustration settles, but sometimes this settling comes through writing, so I choose to write. I am normally a very optimistic and hopeful person, but at certain times, mindsets of our times threaten to overwhelm me. More specifically, those in the spotlight who tend to use the vulnerability of those who will listen, because they have realized the art of manipulation and fear mongering. At the same time, I must realize my hypocrisy to some extent; since I left religion to explore life in all its facets, I have tried to advocate for the right of others to live their own journey. At times, in my frustration, I lose patience with this stance.

I think of this often: if the me of today had come from the now to speak to the me of twelve years ago, I would have panicked and run away with my fingers in my ears. I simply wasn’t ready to walk this path although events were already lining up towards this end. Journeys are like that—deeply personal to a large degree. I was still desperately trying to understand myself, figure out my beliefs and disbeliefs, and sift through the confusing teachings and conflicting feelings that swirled within.

As I’ve said before, my thoughts have evolved, much like many others. This is not to imply that my way of thinking is higher than another who might still disagree with me, it is just different. I’ve spent hours researching, contemplating, and wrestling through the unlearning process I undertook as I left religion. I’ve come to believe that one of the most dangerous aspects of religion(s) is the art of teaching its followers what to think instead of how to think. Many in religion might disagree with this, but from my own experience this has been true. (*and as a side note, I must thank my parents for instilling the notion within me to follow my gut and my heart in matters of life.)

In religion, we are often told what to think about everything: gays, abortions, other religions, and life in general. While based on Scripture, in many cases, it is the personal interpretation of such Scripture, by those held in high regard as God’s handpicked teachers and leaders, that comes across as the truth—and most often as the absolute truth. Doubting and questioning is seen as negative or at best a sign of immaturity. I know this, too, from my own experience. This viewpoint twisted my own mind against me for many years—the problem is me; if I just knew more, I would see that they were right, my doubts and questions would disappear, and I would stop struggling to believe. After I was booted out, quite abruptly and literally, I still continued to follow this mentality. My plan was to figure out where I’d gone wrong. It was only after I had nothing else to lose that I began to honestly investigate Scripture for myself. This was ultimately the very thing that awakened me. I realized the moldable-nature of Scripture that leads to its manipulation by the institution of religion. After much struggle with myself, I had to acknowledge that selective pickings will back up almost anything and everything.

Once I allowed myself to explore the questions I’d held for so long, I inadvertently freed myself from within. I was able to love myself and embrace the fact that I was gay. I was able to understand that while I firmly believe there should be fewer abortions, it is not my place to tell another woman how she should feel or respond to an unwanted pregnancy. Other religions are not the followers of Satan I once thought them to be. The fact is this: most of us in this life are looking to live a happy life, free from want and fear, and we’re figuring this thing out as we go.

But herein lies my hypocrisy at times.  In my frustration, I become impatient; I forget that we all must walk our own journey. I get frustrated when someone deems me a baby-killer, because I think the issue of abortion is much more complicated than teaching a failed abstinence program that most will admit is a farce. I get frustrated when people don’t value my marriage and consider it inferior to theirs even though our love is the strongest, most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced. Gratefully, though, I eventually see the error of my ways and, after I calm these frustrations, I can usually wish people peace on their own journey. They are not the they, because I firmly believe that we are all us, and I commit myself once again to the reconcilable belief that we are all in this thing together.

Live your life; walk your journey; be at peace.

Namaste

Pronouns

I love my wife

“Bravo!” you exclaim
Accolades turn sour
As pronouns reveal
I am also a wife.

My first response
To bristle
I then regret
The unkindness of my tone
In response to lack of understanding.

I am saddened.
You see
You may never know
The laughter we share
The passion for life we exuberate.

You may never know her stories
Her resilience, adventures, pains.
You may miss her impartation
Of kindness into your soul.

He has a husband.
I have a wife.
Why so put off
By a simple display of affection?
Are pronouns so intimidating?

It is time we change this maddening world

And learn to love above all else.
If I love her and she loves me,
And he loves him and he loves he,
Love is in bloom.

The
world
is
made
brighter.

~kcasey

It is time. Peace to you.

One Wonderful Year of Marriage

One year ago today, we were married. With the uncles as witnesses, and a beautiful snow falling, we made our way to the courthouse that Friday morning. I was as excited as I've ever been in my entire life.

First, I never thought I'd actually say that phrase in any context. Actually, both of us were pretty much set on not saying that phrase, and we were both mutually content with that decision until us came into existence.  No offense to my married friends, but the concept never seemed all that appealing to me to be frank. I was happy being an independent gypsy soul and so was M-. Now we are all the more happy being independent gypsy souls exploring this great big world...together.

Second, we now live in a state--and slowly a country--where we can actually say that phrase. There's been great progress towards equality this year. We weren't any more committed, happy, or in love on January 11, then we were on January 9, but I had never realized the impact of actually denying someone their right to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness, until I came out. Shame on me, for I had fallen into the trap of if it doesn't affect me it's not that important. Our marriage does not cause hurricanes or natural disasters, but it does gives me great peace of mind, legally, concerning our future pursuit of happiness. 

Third, It seems like yesterday and it seems like lifetimes. I've not known someone who gets me like M-. Period. We are connected in such a manner that is actually quite comical at times. We've had to start asking the other before we do certain things. For example, I've lost track of how many times we've both gone to the store on the same day and picked up the same thing....or done odd things around the house--on the same day--such as turning the mattress or cleaning the fridge. (we've done this more than a couple of times, which is hilarious when you think of it...) Our little lucky bamboo has been watered twice on the same day so many times that we've lost count. Luckily it is resilient and forgiving. 

Life has thrown me some unexpecteds along the way, as life normally does, but none compare to the joy of this unexpected force of nature that exploded into my life like fireworks in the dark of night. The glimmer in my eye? Yeah, that's her.

As we continue towards equality, I will strive to be more aware of the needs of others. Just because something doesn't affect me, does not mean it is not important and worthy of contemplation and change. We all deserve the right to pursue a happy and peaceful life; we all deserve to love and be loved in a healthy fashion ultimately adding to the collective peace and love in our world. I think we can all agree we need more of that in these days of unrest and violence. As I'll continue to say, we are all in this thing called life together. Happy Anniversary, M-, I love you more each day. Yeah, you're stuck with me.

The Tattoo

Even as the first sting registered in my brain, I felt free. With each continued pierce, it felt more like an uncovering of something locked deep within my soul than an adding of foreign material under a thin layer of epidermis.

At this point, I was yet to come out, but this was a definitive line in the sands of life. I didn't yet trust myself; how could I? I was still slowly getting to know me! In many ways, I was a stranger to my own mind, but yet I was one of those strangers you meet and want to know instantly. I admired this stranger. She had a courage I did not possess, a courage for which I'd been longing.

Each aspect of this tattoo had been specifically chosen. A fleur de lis for two reasons, one to mark the city where the awakening had begun, Louisville, Kentucky of all places, and the second marked my fascination with France. The second reason, I think, served as a cover up for the first until I was ready to reveal myself to the world. It took over a year after the tattoo experience to find that nerve. Ironically, it was on the day I left to study in France. More ironic still, and surprising even to me, was the fact that I fell madly in love with my wife in France that very summer.

The second aspect was the color. Blue and yellow. The colors of the Human Rights Campaign, actually, although many people mistook it for the New Orleans Saints logo; even my father thought it was a cool Boy Scouts emblem! (I still wonder about that one.) After I came out to myself I found it difficult to answer a persistent question: now what?! Simply put, I began to read and research what I was! What do I do now that I know I'm gay? Is it actually worth coming out? Do I want to risk my happy life on such uncertainty? I was unsure of the stance I wanted to take in all of this, and it took quite a long time to figure these things out. During this time, it was of great comfort to me in realizing there was an organization, many actually, working endlessly to make this world a better place for people like me. This made me happy and put my mind more at ease. 

The tattoo artist worked his magic on my left arm, sort of a traditional place for classic tattoos, I guess. Even the placement of this tattoo had reasons, two reasons actually. First, I am very left-handed. I was born that way. I was discovering that it was much the same way with being gay. I had a second grade teacher that had tried to make me right-handed, similar to the years I had spent trying to make myself straight.  I was born left-handed…and gay, and this was okay, or at least I was working towards okay. Second, my dad is one of my heroes. He has the remnants of an old tattoo he got back in the army on his arm, and it has always fascinated me.

 As my thoughts caught back up with the painful, yet extremely satisfying artwork that was taking shape, I felt a new level of excitement. Even though I still held such doubts concerning who I was and where I was going from here, I was turning a new page in my life. This was a symbolic gesture of letting go of the past and embracing a newness of life—a newness that still frightened me at this point, but one I knew I would regret not embracing. As I sat in the studio, a courage was slowly arising within. To this day, that courage has served me well; it has taken me to heights of peace and happiness, beyond my previous comprehension. I think often of this symbolic moment in my life, and I am grateful for the strength I found inside to embrace myself fully and the passion I now hold to encourage others to do the same.

There is peace and happiness to be found in your journey; we choose when it begins.

Long before Elsa there was….Pop.

Two years ago, as we sat at the farm, M- was expressing her dissatisfaction with a 92% in a particular class. Pop has had quite a bit of experience dealing with perfectionism; he’s experienced Mom’s disappointment with college grades that would make many other college students weep with sheer joy. (And I might add: Mom finished her degree with a 4.0 even while working full-time and somehow keeping the Wimberley clan functioning. Go Mom!) This conversation was no different; his calm answer was such a typical Pop thing to say. He simply stated, with a gleam in his eye, “M-, it’s time to just let it go.” Because of his rather dramatic delivery of the message, and the swooshing of his hand as he emphasized those last three words, the room exploded into laughter. Once again, as many times before, Pop had spoken his simple wisdom into our lives—in the loving, comical manner that I will always cherish.

Let. It. Go. is now a regular mantra in our tiny space, as it was in my childhood home. There’s a great deal of wisdom packed into that little phrase! We often say it with laughter as we remember Pop’s dramatic performance on that particular day, but the mindset has served me well, as I’ve journeyed these last ten years towards the present. There are times in life, when our vision becomes clearer, and we see the things that are holding us back. These times are, all at once, the scariest and most freeing moments that we face. As I let go of religion, I was completely unsure of the outcome; I just knew I must follow my instincts concerning the truth for which I was searching. As I journeyed, ever so cautiously, out of the closet, I had to let go of people’s opinions and years of bad teaching, and learn to love me for me. Both were notably, the scariest events I’ve experienced thus far, but both were equally rewarding and joyous, as I began to rest in the peace and contentment that followed as I let go.

Our journeys are all unique, but we all face similar obstacles. We all face issues that hold us back; and just as I faced with religion and sexuality, life presents us with choices as we evolve and grow. We leave things as they are or we let go. We all know the definition of insanity that has been attributed to Einstein: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. My choice was difficult and it didn’t happen overnight, but I came to see that I wanted more out of this life than what my present situation could offer. I was quite intimidated by the uncertainty ahead, but I knew that leaving things as they were was no longer an option if I wanted more out of life.

My encouragement for all of us this brand new year of 2015 would be to let go of those things in our life that are holding us back, down, stuck. What is keeping us from living a freer, more peaceful, productive, and happy life? Jobs that are unsatisfying, toxic relationships, tiring habits, people’s opinions? Our own lists usually pop into our heads uninvited when we have conversations such as these. Remember: you are not alone; we really are all in this thing together. As Pop, and Elsa, would say: let this year be the year you just let it go.