Of the few blogs so far, I've focused more on the "leaving god" section of my journey, but there is an equally important part: finding me. At the time, I didn't realize that these two journeys were merging together, but both took their own separate path. Looking back, it was such a rich, yet raw, time in my life. The finding me began as an almost instant realization; initially shocking, but ultimately freeing and peaceful.
Some have insinuated that my de-conversion was a way to justify my decision to choose a lifestyle of the gay. (sarcasm intended) Although it saddens me, I understand this view since it is the view I'd held for many years. I have a advantage, in some aspects, having lived on both sides of this fence, so to speak. I cannot make these few believe what they do not want to believe, but this couldn't be further from the truth.
My life changed drastically on a long stretch of Western Kentucky Parkway on a beautiful spring Sunday a few years ago. Lost in thought for several miles, something...just...clicked. I hadn't seen it before, because I wasn't capable of allowing myself to see it before. I had lived a life striving desperately to will myself straight, caught up in this deceptive web of dishonesty and guilt while loathing this thing that haunted me. That split second of honesty, with myself foremost, was the opportunity my soul had been longing for. I started to laugh as events of the past rolled through my mind and my life suddenly made sense.
The thing about coming out is that you don't come out just once. I came out to myself, an open minded friend on the West Coast, (a safe distance away!) my friends that saw me frequently, and finally my family. Each time I built up a bit more confidence and exposed a bit more of my true self to the world and actually to me. These days, it isn't the stomach churning event that is once was, but I come out every time I mention my wife and our beautiful life together. You see, now I'm incredibly proud of who I am--am still becoming; this is due in part to the priceless acceptance I've received from most, but also to the distance I've placed between myself and the misguided and harmful teachings of my youth.
I had to learn to love me--all of me--and to embrace this part of me that had waited so patiently. Had I never left religion and reconciled myself to who I really was, I would have still been gay--I would have just missed out on my most fabulous life of today!